One of my best friends is being cheated on by his wife. They have a lovely house and two great children together. She has been having an affair with another guy for months, keeps getting caught-out, tries to lie about it, promises to change, and then just continues to have the affair.
The most recent time she got caught, her response was to change all of the passwords on her phone, email, computer, etc. My friend has believed her lies, tried to help her as she plays the victim when confronted by him, tried marriage counselling, everything, because it seems like he can’t bring himself to admit that her continued actions are effectively ending their marriage. But, rather than simply end it, she just keeps lying and having affairs.
She is now effectively just using my friend for childcare, and so that they don’t have to sell their house. His confidence is so low now that I’m really worried he will let her get away with this and just end up being the miserable husband who stays home and looks after the kids while she’s spending all of their money going out on dates and staying in hotels with her other guy.
If he decides to stay with her, it’s because his confidence has been ruined by her actions, and not because he is happy with the situation. At all. He’s broken.
I am being as supportive as I can, but I really don’t want him to end up accepting the situation he has now found himself in, as I’m worried for his long term health. Is there anything I can do to help him avoid this?
It’s clear that you care deeply about your friend and his well-being, and it’s understandable that you’re worried about the impact his wife’s infidelity is having on him. Watching someone you care about go through such a painful and challenging situation is never easy.
While it’s natural to want to step in and help your friend see the reality of his situation, it’s important to approach the conversation with care and sensitivity. Consider sitting down with your friend and gently but firmly sharing your observations and concerns. Tell him what you see: a guy being used, lied to, and emotionally manipulated. Explain that his wife’s behavior isn’t love or marriage – it’s exploitation.
Use “I” statements to express your worries, such as “I’m concerned about how this is affecting you” or “I hate seeing you so hurt and betrayed.” Avoid attacking his wife directly, as this may make him feel defensive and less receptive to your message.
However, it’s crucial to remember that, ultimately, the decision about how to proceed in his marriage is his to make. Pushing him to end the relationship before he’s ready could backfire and strain your friendship. Instead, focus on being a supportive, non-judgmental presence in his life, and let him know that you’ll stand by him no matter what he chooses to do.
Encourage him to prioritize his own mental health and well-being, perhaps by seeking individual therapy to work through his feelings and rebuild his self-esteem. A professional can help him gain clarity and develop coping strategies.
You might also gently suggest that he consider speaking with a lawyer to understand his options and protect his interests, especially if he’s concerned about the financial implications of a potential divorce. Having this information could help him feel more empowered to make decisions about his future.
Remember, your friend is going through a grieving process as he comes to terms with the reality of his marriage. Be patient, and trust that with time and support, he’ll find the strength to do what’s best for himself and his children.
In the meantime, make sure to take care of yourself, too. Supporting a friend through a crisis can be emotionally draining, so don’t hesitate to seek support for yourself if you need it.
Wishing you and your friend all the best.