In the world of dating and relationships, there’s a lot of talk about “settling.” You’ll hear people say things like “Don’t settle for less than you deserve” or “I’d rather be alone than settle.” And while it’s true that you should never stay in a relationship with someone who makes you unhappy just for the sake of being in a relationship, there’s a fine line between settling and being realistic.
Let’s start with what settling actually means. Settling is staying with someone despite knowing deep down that they aren’t right for you. Maybe they don’t treat you with respect, or your values don’t align, or you simply don’t enjoy being around them. But you stay, because being with someone – anyone – seems better than being alone. That’s settling, and it’s never a good idea.
On the other hand, being realistic in a relationship is understanding that no one is perfect, and that every partner will come with their own set of flaws and shortcomings. It’s about looking at the whole picture and deciding whether your partner’s good qualities outweigh their less-than-ideal ones.
For example, maybe your partner is an amazing cook and always goes out of their way to make you feel special, but they’re not particularly skilled in the bedroom. Or perhaps they’re hilarious and great in bed, but they’re also a bit of a slob around the house. Being realistic is acknowledging these flaws, but also recognizing that they don’t define the entire relationship.
The key is figuring out what your non-negotiables are. What are the qualities you absolutely need in a partner? What are the things you simply can’t tolerate? Once you know these, you can evaluate potential partners more objectively. If they meet your must-haves and their flaws are things you can live with, that’s being realistic. If you find yourself constantly wishing they would change, that’s a red flag.
What being realistic is NOT, however, is expecting perfection. Holding out for a partner with model good looks, a six-figure salary, exciting hobbies, culinary skills, emotional intelligence, tidiness, and bedroom prowess all rolled into one is setting yourself up for disappointment. That’s not being realistic; that’s being unrealistic.
The truth is, even the best relationships involve compromise. You may have to put up with some dirty dishes or listen to some bad jokes. But if your partner consistently shows up for you, treats you with love and respect, and makes you feel happy more often than not? That’s worth so much more than a perfectly tidy house or a stand-up comedy routine.
In the end, it’s about balance. Don’t settle for someone who makes you miserable just to avoid being single. But also don’t pass up a great partner because they don’t check every single box on your wish list. Being realistic means understanding that a good relationship isn’t perfect, it’s two imperfect people choosing to love and accept each other, flaws and all.