My Asian parent’s don’t approve of my (28F) boyfriend (27M) of 1.5 years. They think he’s not a good match for me because he’s going to earn much less than I will and he’s not the same status as them. I just started my residency and graduated from medical school, while my boyfriend is an engineer, about 4-5 years into his career. My parents think he doesn’t earn enough money, has no potential, and will go nowhere in his field of engineering, and then we’ll live a very average/low-class life because our earnings together will not be enough for a better quality of life.
A few days ago they started giving me ultimatums that either he has to “pull himself up by the bootstraps” and “show some passion and zeal” to get into an MBA program, or they’ll never approve and will disown me. They used every possible tactic to manipulate me, saying how they worked so hard to provide for me, gave me so much money for tuition and living expenses so I could graduate debt-free and have a place to live during residency, and that I’m repaying them by being with a “low-life good-for-nothing guy and his trashy average family, he’s only with me for my money”.
My Asian mother went so far as to say the stress of all these arguments is giving her high blood pressure and she might end up in the hospital and it would be all my fault. She even low-key threatened to make a complaint against me to my professional college if I don’t listen to her.
I know they’re extremely toxic and just trying to control me, but it’s really hard not to feel afraid of the future. They said I have one year to make sure my boyfriend gets into a good MBA program, and after that it’s game over. Even if he does get accepted, I know they’ll just move the goalposts and have some other expectation he’ll have to meet. It never ends. But I don’t know how to disconnect from them because their manipulation tactics always work. I feel so guilty and responsible. Part of me is afraid they’re right and I’ll truly have a mediocre life, but I also know they’ve just made me believe that by making me afraid for years.
I’m trying to get therapy to undo all this toxic manipulative indoctrination and learn to set and maintain boundaries. But how do you deal with the emotional guilt and pain of letting your parents go? Please help.
Wow. There’s a lot to unpack here, but let’s start with the most important thing: You are an adult, and you get to choose your own path in life. Full stop.
Your parents’ behavior is manipulative, toxic, and frankly abusive. Threatening to disown you, emotionally blackmailing you with health issues, and even hinting at professional retaliation? That’s not love. That’s control.
Let’s address their concerns one by one:
- Your boyfriend’s earning potential: First off, engineering is a respectable, well-paying career. But more importantly, a person’s worth isn’t determined by their paycheck. A loving, supportive partner who shares your values is worth far more than any six-figure salary.
- Your future lifestyle: What exactly is wrong with an “average” life if it’s filled with love, mutual respect, and personal fulfillment? Your parents’ definition of success seems narrow and materialistic.
- Their financial support: Yes, they helped you. That’s what parents do when they can. It doesn’t give them the right to dictate your life choices forever.
- Your boyfriend’s motivations: This says more about their values than his. They assume everyone is as fixated on money and status as they are.
Now, onto you. You’re clearly aware that their behavior is problematic, which is a huge first step. Seeking therapy is an excellent move – it will help you develop tools to set boundaries and work through the guilt.
Remember: Guilt is not a reliable indicator of wrongdoing. It’s a feeling that can be manipulated, especially by those who’ve been pushing your emotional buttons your whole life.
As for letting your parents go, it’s a process. It’s okay to mourn the relationship you wish you had with them. It’s okay to hope they’ll come around someday. But it’s also okay – and necessary – to protect yourself and your chosen family from their toxic behavior.
Some practical steps:
- Continue with therapy.
- Set clear boundaries. (“I won’t discuss my boyfriend’s career with you.”)
- Follow through with consequences when boundaries are crossed. (End the conversation, leave the room, etc.)
- Build a support network of friends and chosen family.
- Focus on your relationship. Don’t let their negativity seep into what sounds like a good partnership.
Remember, a “mediocre” life filled with love and mutual respect beats a “successful” one filled with constant judgment and conditional affection. Your parents don’t get to define success for you. That’s your job.
Stay strong. You’ve got this.