I’m a little in shock and a little not surprised. He was raised in a very conservative Christian family so when things were a little awkward between us physically, I thought that was it, but he he just admitted that he finds my body (extra weight) so unattractive that he is embarrassed to be seen with me.
He loves me deeply, I do not doubt that at all, and he does take me out, introduce me to friends, etc, but he argues that the sacrifice he is making in being with me despite “how it makes him feel” should speak volumes for how much he loves me. This only makes me feel worse.
I also love him very much, but I don’t know if I can go on in a relationship where I feel I am not seen as beautiful. Doesn’t every woman want to be beautiful and drive her partner wild? There’s no doubt there is sexual chemistry between us and he gets very turned on by me so I’m not worried about that. It’s just that I want to feel beautiful and not like he has to sacrifice his self-respect to be with such a hideous being.
For reference: I have had long term loving relationships at my current weight in which I drove my partner absolutely wild and he found me distractingly beautiful. So, I know it’s possible for me.
Am I just being vain to let this ruin an otherwise good relationship?
No. Just… no.
You’re not being vain. You’re having a completely normal reaction to being told something incredibly hurtful by someone who claims to love you. Let’s unpack this, shall we?
First off, your boyfriend’s attitude isn’t just unkind – it’s toxic. Love isn’t about “sacrificing” to be with someone despite how they look. It’s about cherishing someone for who they are, inside and out. The fact that he thinks he deserves a medal for deigning to be seen with you is, frankly, appalling.
You say he loves you deeply, but I have to question that. Love doesn’t make someone feel like a “hideous being.” Love doesn’t cause shame. Love celebrates.
Now, let’s talk about you. You know your worth. You’ve had partners who were wild about you, exactly as you are. You understand that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Hold onto that knowledge – it’s your lifeline out of this mess.
You ask if every woman wants to be beautiful and drive her partner wild. I’d rephrase that: every person deserves to be with someone who sees their beauty and is crazy about them. You’ve had that before. You can have it again.
This isn’t about your weight. This is about his issues – his insecurities, his narrow-mindedness, his warped view of relationships. Don’t let his distorted perspective become your reality.
You’re not ruining a good relationship by wanting basic respect and attraction. You’re recognizing that this relationship isn’t actually good for you. It’s eroding your self-esteem and making you question your worth. That’s not love, dear. That’s emotional abuse.
My advice? Walk away. Not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who sees your beauty, celebrates it, and can’t believe their luck in being with you.
Remember: the problem isn’t your body. The problem is his attitude. Don’t shrink yourself to fit his narrow view. Instead, expand your world to find someone who appreciates all of you.