I (21F) have been with my partner (22M) for 4 years now. He graduated high school 4 years ago, and hasn’t had a single job since (besides one summer job). Doesn’t want to go to college either.
The first two years of our relationship he was streaming, which I was fine with for a bit. Then, no progress was showing and I asked him to get a job on the side, and he could still stream. Nothing. Next two years to now were focused on starting a business he didn’t want. Again, after a few months, no progress was showing, so I asked him to get a job on the side. Nope!
I cannot express how frustrating this is. He says he doesn’t want to slave his life away at a job he hates (which I completely understand), but he’s not creating many good options for himself. Nothing motivates him, and he plays video games most of the day. He says jobs just don’t feel right. He doesn’t come to my house often because gas is expensive, that’s how bad it is.
Any time I try to have a serious talk with him about it, he comes up with all these excuses and makes ME feel bad for even asking. I don’t get it, and it’s extremely frustrating. It’s not fair that I worked my ass off in college to graduate early, with a job on the side, only for him to play games all day. And I’ve had a job since I graduated.
He’s been babied by his parents his whole life. Never had a reason to get a job, because his parents did everything for him. He still has no bills to pay. There’s no work ethic or drive. He’s insanely stubborn, too. I mean, he’s 22, and I’m scared for our future. I want to start the next chapter of my life with him, and he wants to as well, but doesn’t do anything about it nor wants to.
First off, let me be crystal clear: You are not responsible for your boyfriend’s life choices or his stubborn refusal to grow up. You’ve been more patient, more understanding, and frankly, more tolerant than he deserves at this point.
Your boyfriend isn’t just unemployed; he’s actively avoiding adulthood. This isn’t about not wanting to “slave his life away.” It’s about dodging responsibilities and expecting the world to cater to him. He’s had multiple chances to pursue his passions with your unwavering support, and he’s squandered every single one of them.
What’s worse, he’s turning the tables on you when you try to have a serious conversation about your future together. That’s not just immature – it’s manipulative. He’s guilt-tripping you for daring to expect him to contribute to your shared life. His parents have enabled this behavior for years, and now he expects you to pick up where they left off.
Here’s the hard truth: You’re not in a relationship with a partner. You’re in a relationship with a dependent. Unless something changes drastically – and I mean drastically – this is a glimpse of your future: You, working your tail off while he lounges around playing video games and crafting elaborate excuses.
You say you’re scared for your future. Good. You should be. Because right now, your future with him looks like you carrying his dead weight for the rest of your life. Is that really what you want? Is that what you’ve worked so hard for?
I know you’ve invested four years in this relationship, but that’s nothing compared to a lifetime of frustration and resentment. You deserve a partner, not a project. Someone who matches your ambition and work ethic, not someone who drags you down.
It’s time for a come-to-Jesus talk with your boyfriend. Lay out your expectations clearly. Tell him what you need to see from him to continue this relationship. And set a deadline. Give him a reasonable amount of time to show real, tangible progress. Not plans, not ideas, but actual progress. If he doesn’t meet that deadline, be prepared to walk away.
Remember, loving someone doesn’t mean accepting behavior that goes against your values and life goals. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do – for both of you – is to let go.
You’ve worked hard to build a future for yourself. Don’t let anyone – not even someone you love – jeopardize that. You’re young, you’re driven, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste your 20s waiting for someone to grow up when they’ve shown no interest in doing so.
You’ve got this, kiddo. Now go live your best life, with or without him. You deserve nothing less.