Almost two years ago, my (M35) marriage began to fall apart after my wife (F34) had an affair, and we started talking about divorce. About 4 to 6 months ago, things began to improve.
Nearly a year ago, she moved out, leaving me and the kids in the house; her affair was my breaking point.
In the past few months, we’ve been doing well and even discussed her moving back in. I have reservations because I want a real relationship again, not just what we have now.
One major issue is rebuilding trust, and I made it clear that she must have no contact with the affair partner ever again, a rule set when we still lived together.
Here’s where my question lies: We’ve been on the same phone plan this whole time, and I flagged the guy’s number so that I’d get an email notification if any calls were made to or from it.
Over the last two days, I’ve received six emails about calls between them, ranging from 2 minutes to over an hour. I confronted her immediately, and she claims no calls were made.
The carrier is unreachable at the moment to check if there’s a system error, but everything else seems accurate. Should I give her the benefit of the doubt or consider this a breach of trust and move towards divorce?
Oh, buddy. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Let’s zoom out for a second. You’ve been riding an emotional rollercoaster for two years – from affair discovery to separation to tentative reconciliation. That’s exhausting. And now, just as you’re considering letting your wife back into your home and heart, you’re hit with this.
Your gut is telling you something’s off, and I think you should listen to it. Not necessarily about the calls themselves – technology can be wonky, and there’s a slim chance this is all a misunderstanding. But about the bigger picture.
You say you want a “real relationship,” not just what you have now. That speaks volumes. It suggests that even before these mystery calls popped up, things weren’t quite right. You were already harboring doubts.
Here’s the thing: Reconciliation after infidelity is possible, but it requires a herculean effort from both parties. The cheating partner needs to be 100% committed to rebuilding trust through complete transparency and respecting boundaries. The betrayed partner needs to be willing to work through their pain and eventually forgive.
From what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like your wife is putting in that level of effort. Even if these calls turn out to be a glitch, her reaction – flat denial rather than concern or a willingness to investigate – is telling.
You don’t need smoking-gun evidence of wrongdoing to decide this isn’t working for you. The fact that you’re questioning everything and feeling this level of mistrust is enough. You deserve peace of mind in your own relationship.
My advice? Take a hard look at what you really want and need from a partner. Are those needs being met? Can you envision a future where you feel secure and happy with this woman? If the answer is no, then it might be time to make the break permanent – not as a punishment, but as an act of self-care.
And remember, divorce doesn’t mean you failed. Sometimes, it means you’re brave enough to acknowledge when something is broken beyond repair and to seek a healthier path forward – for yourself and for your kids.
Whatever you decide, make sure you have support. Consider individual counseling to help you navigate this emotional minefield. You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve to come out the other side whole.