My wife and I have been together for ten years. We met when I was seventeen and my God, it was like coming home. We talked with effortless ease. It wasn’t even falling in love, it was more like…becoming love. Recognizing love I could have seen from a million miles away.
Not much has changed since. Things haven’t been perfect, but we love each other unbearably. We were finishing each other’s sentences as teenagers, and we’re just as connected today. I FaceTime her on the way to work and the way home from work, quarantine has been wonderful, and we have so much fun together. She is the light of my life. At 17, the last thing I thought would be fun would be ten years of sex with the same person. And yet I still feel literal butterflies when I see her naked.
She wanted kids at first, and she’d be a great mom…but now she doesn’t. And the thing is, I really understand why. She doesn’t want to give up her career advances, risk the changes to her body and her hormones, etc.
But I can’t help but feel distraught. I don’t want to leave her. I know everyone says the same shit about “there are no soulmates!!” but meeting this woman was like waking up on a different planet.
My heart aches for you both. This is one of those crossroads where love and life plans collide, and there’s no easy detour.
First, let’s acknowledge the beauty of what you have. A connection like yours is rare and precious. The way you describe your relationship – it’s clear you two have something special that many spend lifetimes searching for.
But here’s the rub: On fundamental life choices like having children, there’s no real compromise. You can’t have half a kid or parent part-time. It’s all or nothing, and that’s what makes this so gut-wrenching.
Your wife’s reasons for not wanting children are valid. The impact on career, body, and hormones are significant considerations. And it’s crucial that she’s being honest about this now, rather than agreeing to have children reluctantly.
At the same time, your desire for children is equally valid. This isn’t a whim; it’s a core part of the life you envision for yourself.
So where does this leave you? In a place where you need to do some deep soul-searching. Can you envision a fulfilling life without children? If you stay with your wife, knowing children aren’t in your future, will you be able to do so without resentment?
Conversely, if you leave to pursue parenthood, are you prepared for the possibility that you might not find another relationship that matches the depth of connection you have with your wife?
There’s no right answer here, only the one that’s right for you. And it’s okay if you need time to figure it out. Consider talking this through with a therapist, both individually and as a couple. They can provide tools to navigate this conversation and help you both understand your needs and feelings more deeply.
Remember, whatever you decide, it doesn’t negate the love you’ve shared. Sometimes love isn’t enough to bridge fundamental differences in life goals, and that’s nobody’s fault.
This is hard, really hard. Be kind to yourself and to each other as you navigate this. And know that whatever path you choose, you have the strength to walk it.