I am a 30 year old male. I have a well paying job (roughly 100k per year). No debt.
My girlfriend has 250k in private student loans (from undergrad private school) with a variable interest rate. Recently the interest hit over 11% and doing the math on the loans has me devastated.
With how fast it is growing… she will need to put 25k a year into it just to keep it in the same place. That basically guarantees that I will never have financial help during our relationship. Additionally, with how much she will need to work just to pay on the loans.. I won’t have much help around the house or with our kids (if/when we have some) either.
I keep blaming myself that I can’t just deal with it.. it’s just money right? But at the same time when I look at the reality of the situation I can’t help but feel I need to walk away from this situation.
Additionally, she is going back to school in the fall for a higher paying job (probably 60-85k income at the end realistically with the possibility of 125k a year if she works herself to death) but this program will add another ~30k in federal loans. I think this is a bad decision…but it’s also the only option she seems to have to up her income.
I feel like I don’t want to wait until I’m 45 when this debt (might) be paid off to have children.. I don’t want to put my life on hold in this way, but I also love her a lot. We’ve talked a lot about this and about her plan to pay it down etc.
It now feels like my options are either accept that this is reality and it will be many years before she’s free if this debt.. or end the relationship.
Any advice?
First off, let’s take a deep breath. Your concerns are valid and very human, and it’s clear you’re trying to balance love with the practical realities of life. That’s no small feat.
Here’s the thing: money isn’t just “money.” It’s also freedom, security, and opportunity. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed by the thought of shouldering such a heavy financial burden, especially when it’s not yours to begin with. You’re not a bad person for feeling this way.
That said, it’s crucial to have an honest, no-holds-barred conversation with your girlfriend about your future together, financial and otherwise. This isn’t just about her debt; it’s about your collective future, your goals, and your well-being as a couple.
Here are some points to consider:
- This isn’t just about money. It’s about lifestyle, future plans, and shared values. You’re right to consider how this impacts your goals for family, home, and work-life balance.
- Your girlfriend’s debt isn’t your debt (yet), but in a long-term partnership, it becomes a shared challenge. Are you both on the same page about tackling this?
- The additional schooling is a gamble. It could pay off, or it could dig the hole deeper. Has she explored other options for increasing her income?
Here’s the thing: You can love someone deeply and still recognize that your life goals aren’t compatible. It’s not shallow to consider financial compatibility in a relationship. It’s practical.
But before you make any drastic decisions:
- Have you had a frank, numbers-on-the-table discussion about this? If not, it’s time.
- Consider meeting with a financial advisor together. They might see options you’re missing.
- Explore whether her loans are eligible for any forgiveness programs or income-based repayment plans.
- Think hard about what you’re willing to compromise on. Would you be okay with a longer timeline for having kids? With being the primary breadwinner for the foreseeable future?
Remember, there’s no “right” answer here. Some people would see this as an insurmountable obstacle. Others would see it as a challenge to tackle together. The question is: Which are you?
If you decide to stay, go in with eyes wide open. Have a solid plan, and be prepared for it to be a long haul.
If you decide to leave, know that it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you someone who knows what they want and need in a partnership.
Either way, be honest with yourself and with her. You both deserve a relationship where you’re on the same page about the big stuff – and honey, this is definitely big stuff.
Good luck, and remember: Whatever you decide, you’re not just investing in a relationship. You’re investing in your future. Make sure it’s one you want to live in.