My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have two kids – ages 5 and 2. Having been married so long we’ve had our fair share of issues.
But one thing which always happens when we fight is he always runs away, I’m usually the one who pours my heart out about what upset me and he, instead of sitting with me and addressing our issue just walks away and ignores me.
After a day or two, he tries to talk to me as if the fight never happens. I put up with this initially but it’s led to 10 years of anger, resentment and pent up emotions on my part.
We did counseling for a while and our counselor suggested what I was suggesting all the time- that we resolve our issues right away and not let the resentment build up.
He did that for the few months we were in counseling but now all that’s gone again. How do I deal with such a person? Imo he’s just a coward who’s afraid of conflict and I honestly am finding it hard to live with a person like that
I keep thinking of taking the kids and leaving because at this point none of my emotional needs are being met and I’ve been feeling neglected for a really long time now.
First, kudos to you for recognizing the pattern and seeking help. You’ve already taken steps (pun intended) by going to counseling and communicating your needs. That’s no small feat.
Now, about your husband’s disappearing act. It’s clear he’s got a severe case of conflict avoidance. While it might feel personal, it’s likely rooted in his own fears and possibly childhood experiences. That doesn’t excuse it, but understanding it might help you approach the situation differently.
Here’s the thing: You can’t force someone to engage in conflict resolution if they’re not willing. But you can:
- Set clear boundaries: “When you walk away, it makes me feel [X]. I need us to address our issues together.”
- Suggest alternative methods: Maybe he’d be more comfortable writing his feelings down or having structured conversation times.
- Revisit counseling: It worked before, it might work again. This time, focus on why he reverts to old patterns.
- Take care of yourself: Your emotional needs matter. Find ways to meet them that don’t depend on his participation.
Now, about leaving. That’s a big step, especially with kids involved. Before you pack those bags, ask yourself:
- Is this the only major issue in your relationship?
- Have you clearly communicated that this is a deal-breaker for you?
- Are there other ways you haven’t tried to address this?
If you’ve truly exhausted all options and he’s still doing his vanishing act, then yes, it might be time to consider if this relationship is meeting your needs.
Remember, you deserve a partner who’s willing to face challenges with you, not run from them. Your kids deserve to see healthy conflict resolution modeled. And your husband? Well, he might need a wake-up call to realize that avoiding conflict can, ironically, create even bigger conflicts.
Take care of yourself, and don’t be afraid to demand better. You’re not asking for the moon here, just a partner who sticks around when the going gets tough. Is that really too much to ask? I think not.