I support trans people and I support my husband being his/her true self but it’s so hard and I don’t know if I can do this.
I’m attracted to men especially the man I married but he’s going to be a woman now and I don’t find that attractive on a physical or emotional level so I feel really heartbroken and I don’t know how I’m going to explain it to our family, our friends or especially our children.
Again I want to be supportive if this is my husband’s true self but I don’t think our marriage can survive this because of my own preferences etc. It’s just so difficult and honestly I don’t know what to do…
Oh, honey. What a profound shift you’re experiencing. Take a deep breath. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed right now.
This is hard. Really, really hard. Your feelings of heartbreak, confusion, and uncertainty? They’re valid. You’re not a bad person for having them.
Your spouse has just shared something deeply personal and life-altering. But here’s the thing – their journey of self-discovery doesn’t negate your right to have feelings about how it affects you and your life together. Supporting someone’s authentic self doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own needs or identity in the process.
It’s clear you care deeply about your spouse and want to be supportive. That’s commendable. But it’s also okay to recognize that this changes the fundamental nature of your relationship. You entered into a marriage with certain expectations and understandings. Those have now shifted dramatically, through no fault of your own.
Here’s what I want you to hear: It’s possible to support your spouse’s transition while also being honest about what you need in a relationship. These aren’t mutually exclusive concepts.
As for next steps:
- Give yourself time to process. This is fresh news, and you’re allowed to sit with your feelings for a bit.
- If you haven’t already, consider individual therapy for yourself. You need a safe space to work through your emotions.
- When you’re ready, have an open, honest conversation with your spouse about what this means for your relationship. Be kind, but also be truthful about your concerns and needs.
- Take things one step at a time. You don’t need to figure out how to tell the whole world right this second. Focus on your immediate family unit first.
- Remember that there’s no “right” way to handle this. Some couples navigate transition together. Others find they’re better as supportive friends. Both are valid outcomes.
As for the children, kids are often more adaptable than we give them credit for. The key is honest, age-appropriate communication. But that’s a bridge to cross once you and your spouse have had some time to process and discuss.
Right now, be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to simultaneously support your spouse’s journey and mourn the shift in your relationship. Your feelings matter too.
Hang in there, honey. This is a seismic shift, but you have the strength to navigate it – whatever the outcome may be.