My father has been in debt all his life, due to an old gambling addiction and from getting cheated of money. He no longer has that addiction however he is still constantly in debt.
Recently due to an incident which caused huge expenses for him, he’s asked me for $6000. I do not want to loan him, however it makes me feel that guilt of not fulfilling my role as a daughter if I do not loan him. Moreover, he mentioned his alternative is to take a bank loan which has higher interest. I’m really afraid that it will be the start of another vicious cycle.
My mother will not help because despite his situation, she requests for even more money from him (and me).
I’ve suggested that he cuts out some expenses such as owning a car (it is at least $3k out of this $6k that he needs) but he is adamant on keeping it.
Now I don’t know what to do, sigh.
First, let’s address that guilt you’re feeling. Being a good daughter doesn’t mean setting yourself on fire to keep your father warm. Your role is to be a loving, supportive family member, not a personal bank.
Your father’s history with debt and gambling is concerning. While it’s great that he’s overcome the addiction, it seems the financial habits haven’t quite caught up. That’s not your cross to bear.
Now, about this $6000 request. Here’s the thing: If you give him this money, you’re not solving a problem. You’re postponing it. And possibly setting yourself up as the new “easy” solution to his financial woes. That’s a role you don’t want, trust me.
Your suggestion about cutting expenses like the car was spot-on. His resistance to this idea is telling. It suggests he’s not ready to make the tough choices necessary to improve his financial situation.
And let’s not ignore the elephant in the room – your mother’s behavior. Requesting more money from both of you in this situation is… well, let’s just say it’s not helping.
So, what to do? Here are some thoughts:
- Don’t loan the money. I know it feels harsh, but it’s likely the kindest thing you can do in the long run.
- Instead, offer to help your dad create a realistic budget. Maybe even connect him with a financial advisor or a credit counseling service.
- Set clear boundaries. Let him know you love him and want to support him, but that support can’t come in the form of cash.
- If you really want to help financially, consider paying for a specific expense directly rather than handing over cash. But only if you can afford it without compromising your own financial health.
- Encourage your dad to have an honest conversation with your mom about their financial situation. Their dynamic seems… complicated, to say the least.
Remember, you’re not responsible for your parents’ financial decisions. You can love them, support them emotionally, and still say no to financial requests that make you uncomfortable.
It’s okay to prioritize your own financial health. In fact, it’s necessary. Because the best way to be there for your family in the long run is to ensure you’re standing on solid ground yourself.
Hang in there. This isn’t easy, but you’re asking the right questions. That’s half the battle right there.