Hello, like the title says I (32M) am happily married, with two kids, have developed strong romantic feelings for a co-worker (27F, let’s call her Jessica) and don’t understand why I can’t get over this feeling.
First, I love my wife and kids. My wife is my best friend she’s smart, funny, sexy everything I want in a partner and mother to my children. I also love my kids, I’ve always wanted a family and watching them grow and learn is amazing.
A few years ago I met Jessica at work. I did initially notice she was attractive and we only began speaking months later due to work activities overlapping. As we got to know each other I found out Jessica was in a long term relationship and we became good work friends.
Jessica and I naturally became closer over time. We would talk, joke about work drama and share stories about our weekends, often mine with my kids her with her boyfriend. We have a similar sense of humor and interests and would chat often. I’m not so naive that I didn’t noticed there was likely some mutual attraction but our conversations were never inappropriate. I’m not flirty by nature and I would often share our funniest stories with my wife. I did notice at this point I had developed some feelings towards Jessica and ignored them as a simple harmless crush.
Other people in the office had noticed our friendship too and would joke about how ‘close’ we had gotten. Outwardly I dismissed these comments. I think I’m allowed to have female friends at work and while nothing physically ever happened between us I think I was getting into trouble emotionally with how close I felt with Jessica. Then it got worse.
A while ago Jessica and her boyfriend broke up. Over a month ago I heard whispers she had gone on a date or two with a new guy. I wasn’t surprised, she’s great, there were guys lining up at work for a chance to get to know her better. I could feel other guys at work staring daggers at me if Jessica and I had lunch together. Internally I feel awful. It is like I am back in high school struggling with a crush who didn’t like me. In my brain I know I should be happy for my friend trying to find a relationship that makes her happy. But my heart/gut/feelings want to be there for her, let’s call it closer than a friend. I’m feeling jealousy about other guys taking her out. I don’t know how to fix this. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head.
I can’t tell my fiends/family I’m afraid they would judge my wife in a weird way. I can’t tell Jessica, that’s a non-starter, no good can come from that. I can’t tell my wife, she is very cool but not “honey I’m falling for my coworker, you remember the cute/funny one I talk about” type of cool. I think I need a therapist or something but my wife has never been on board with therapy as a whole.
I have recently reduced the amount of contact Jessica and I have. It’s easy to be busy at my job and have less opportunity for casual chatting. It hasn’t been easy internally but I figure it’s a quick change that I hope can help. So far it hasn’t helped.
I think I just need a good reason/excuse to see a therapist that won’t draw attention from my wife. This is the only thing I can remember ever lying to my wife about but I think it’s for the best. Help.
Take a deep breath. You’re not alone in this, and you’re not a terrible person for having these feelings. Let’s unpack this a bit, shall we?
First, kudos for recognizing that you’re in an emotional danger zone. Many folks would keep playing with that fire until they got burned – and took their family down with them. You’re already ahead of the game by pumping the brakes on your interactions with Jessica.
Now, about those feelings. They’re not wrong; they’re just feelings. What matters is what you do with them. Right now, they’re like an annoying pop song stuck in your head. The more you try not to think about it, the louder it gets. So let’s change the station, shall we?
If the roles were reversed and your wife was the one falling for some guy at her office, what would you want her to do? You’d want her to create as much distance as humanly possible, right? So that’s your first move. Ramp up that separation you’ve started. If there’s any way to transfer departments, switch projects, or even scout out a new job, do it. Your marriage and family are worth more than any career track.
And while you’re at it, slash that non-essential contact to the bone. No more casual chats, no more inside jokes, no friendly lunches. Keep it strictly professional. Remember, “out of sight, out of mind” isn’t just a cliché – it’s your new mantra.
Now, take all that energy you’ve been spending on this crush and pour it back into your family. Plan date nights with your wife, family outings with the kids. Remind yourself of the amazing life you’ve built and fall in love with your wife all over again.
Every time you feel that pull towards Jessica, picture your kids’ faces. Picture your wife’s trust shattering. That’s the reality of where this path leads if you don’t nip it in the bud. You’re human, and feelings happen. But actions define us. Right now, you have a choice: feed this crush and risk everything, or starve it and recommit to the life you love.
Choose wisely, because once trust is broken, it’s a hell of a thing to rebuild. Your family deserves your full heart. Don’t settle for giving them anything less. This is your wake-up call – time to snap out of this fantasy and plug back into the real and beautiful life you’ve built.