We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of a heated conversation with your spouse, your boss throws another deadline on your already full plate, or maybe your kid spills their juice all over the couch you just cleaned. And before you know it, your heart’s racing, your face is hot, and you blurt out something you regret five minutes later. That’s reacting—that knee-jerk response when your emotions hijack the wheel and drive you straight into a brick wall.
But here’s the thing: we don’t have to live that way.
The difference between reacting and responding is the difference between letting life control you or you controlling your life. It’s about moving from being someone who constantly puts out emotional fires to becoming a person who calmly walks through the chaos, able to assess the situation and choose how to act.
What’s a Reaction?
Reacting is fast. It’s immediate. It’s that gut-level action that comes when you’re triggered. Maybe your boss criticizes your work, and without thinking, you snap back with, “Well, you didn’t give me enough time!” Or your kid throws a tantrum, and you find yourself yelling, “Why can’t you just be quiet for five minutes?”
Reactions are often emotional, unfiltered, and messy. And they usually don’t align with the person you want to be. They come from a place of survival, where your brain is focused on one thing: protecting you from feeling threatened, embarrassed, or hurt. But here’s the deal—most of the time, those perceived threats aren’t actual threats. They’re just emotions doing their thing. And when we react, we give our emotions power over our actions, and that usually leads to regret, shame, and damaged relationships.
What’s a Response?
Responding, on the other hand, is intentional. It’s slower. It’s taking a beat to breathe, to think, and to decide how you want to engage with the situation. When you respond, you’re not just protecting yourself—you’re choosing to act in a way that honors the person you want to be.
Let’s say your boss criticizes your work again. Instead of snapping back, you pause. You take a deep breath and say, “I hear you. I’ll take a look at it and make sure the revisions are solid.” Or when your kid throws a tantrum, instead of yelling, you kneel down, look them in the eye, and say, “I know you’re frustrated. Let’s figure this out together.”
Responding is about being in control. Not in control of the situation, because let’s be honest—you can’t always control what happens to you. But you can control how you show up to the situation. You can choose to be patient, kind, and calm, even when everything around you feels chaotic.
So, How Do You Move From Reacting to Responding?
It takes practice. It takes a lot of practice. But here’s where you start:
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Slow Down: The first step in moving from reacting to responding is slowing down. When you feel yourself getting triggered—when your heart starts racing, your face gets hot, or you feel that knot in your stomach—pause. Don’t say anything right away. Take a deep breath. Count to five. This gives your brain time to catch up with your emotions.
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Check the Facts: Ask yourself, “What’s really happening here?” Is this actually an emergency? Is this situation truly a threat, or am I just feeling threatened? When you start questioning your immediate emotional response, you give yourself space to think more rationally.
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Choose Your Response: Once you’ve taken a moment to calm down and check the facts, ask yourself, “Who do I want to be in this situation?” Do you want to be the person who reacts out of anger and fear, or the person who responds with patience and understanding? Choose your actions based on the person you’re striving to become.
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Practice Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your emotional triggers. Maybe you tend to react when you feel disrespected, ignored, or overwhelmed. When you know what sets you off, you can prepare yourself ahead of time to respond more calmly when those situations arise.
Responding Builds Trust
When you learn to respond instead of react, you don’t just feel better about yourself—you build trust with the people around you. Your spouse, your kids, your coworkers—they learn that they can count on you to stay calm and grounded, even when things get tough. And over time, that trust strengthens your relationships and creates an environment where people feel safe being around you.
So, the next time life throws a curveball your way—and trust me, it will—remember that you have a choice. You can react, or you can respond. One will lead to more chaos and regret, and the other will lead to peace, connection, and growth.
Take a deep breath, slow down, and choose to respond. You’ve got this.