Let’s get real for a second: we’ve all been there. Whether it’s our spouse, our kids, our friends, or our coworkers, we’ve all had those moments where we wish we could just make them do what we think is best. If only they’d listen, if only they’d act how we want them to, everything would be so much better, right?
Here’s the hard truth: trying to control other people is not only exhausting—it’s also impossible. And if you’re constantly trying to manage, manipulate, or direct someone else’s behavior, you’re in for a life of frustration and disappointment. Why? Because no matter how much you push, pull, or prod, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.
Why Do We Try to Control People?
It all starts with good intentions, doesn’t it? You want what’s best for the people you care about. You’ve been around the block, you’ve learned some lessons the hard way, and now you want to help the people you love avoid those same mistakes. Or maybe you’ve got a clear vision of how things should be in your workplace or your home, and you’re just trying to get everyone on the same page. But here’s the problem: your version of “best” may not be their version.
We try to control others because it gives us a sense of power, a sense that we’re steering the ship and keeping everything on course. But deep down, control isn’t about love—it’s about fear. Fear that things will spiral out of control if you don’t manage them. Fear that people will make mistakes that could affect you. Fear that you’re not enough if everything around you doesn’t line up perfectly.
The Myth of Control
The sooner you accept this, the sooner you’ll start breathing a little easier: you cannot control other people. No matter how much you try, you will never be able to dictate someone else’s thoughts, actions, or choices. Sure, you can try to influence or persuade them, but ultimately, they will do what they want to do.
Think about it. Have you ever had someone try to control you? Maybe it was a boss who micromanaged every little thing, or a friend who constantly told you how to live your life. How did that make you feel? Did it motivate you to change? Or did it push you further away? Chances are, it did the latter. Because no one likes being controlled. We’re wired for autonomy. The more someone tries to push us into their mold, the more we resist.
Now flip that around. When you try to control someone else—whether it’s a spouse, a child, or a friend—you’re not leading them toward change. You’re leading them toward resentment. You may have the best intentions, but all they’re feeling is your lack of trust in their ability to figure things out on their own.
Control Isn’t Love
Here’s a hard pill to swallow: controlling someone isn’t a loving act. Real love is about supporting someone, not dictating their choices. It’s about being there for them, even when they make mistakes, and offering guidance when they ask for it—not shoving it down their throat.
When we try to control someone, we’re saying, “I know better than you.” We’re taking away their ability to make choices and learn from them. And that’s not love—that’s insecurity. It’s hard to admit, but trying to control others is often about us, not them. We want the people in our lives to behave a certain way so that we feel more comfortable, more secure, or more validated. But love isn’t about validation. It’s about acceptance, support, and freedom.
What You Can Control
So what can you do when you’re watching someone you care about make choices that worry you? When their behavior affects your life or your happiness? The answer is simple, but not easy: focus on what you can control.
Here’s what you can control:
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Your boundaries: You don’t have to tolerate behavior that hurts you or violates your values. Set clear boundaries with the people in your life, and be prepared to enforce them. Boundaries aren’t about controlling others—they’re about protecting yourself.
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Your reactions: You can’t control how someone else acts, but you can control how you respond. Choose to respond with grace, patience, and empathy, even when someone is frustrating you.
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Your own growth: Instead of focusing all your energy on trying to change someone else, put that energy into working on yourself. What can you do to improve your own life, mindset, or well-being? The more you invest in your own growth, the less you’ll feel the need to control others.
The Freedom of Letting Go
Here’s the paradox: the more you try to control others, the more out of control you’ll feel. But when you let go—when you accept that you can’t change anyone else, and you focus on your own choices—you’ll experience a kind of freedom you didn’t even know was possible.
Letting go of control doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop carrying the burden of responsibility for someone else’s choices. It means you let them live their life, while you live yours. And guess what? People are far more likely to change when they feel supported rather than controlled.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, trying to control others is a losing battle. It’s exhausting, it creates distance in relationships, and it leaves you feeling frustrated and helpless. But here’s the good news: when you let go of control, you make space for real connection, real growth, and real freedom. You give others the room to make their own choices, and you give yourself the peace of knowing that you’re focusing on what you can control—not what you can’t.
So stop trying to be the puppet master in your relationships. Love people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Focus on your own growth and let go of the need to manage everyone else’s life. Trust me, the freedom you’ll find in letting go is worth it.