Here’s the deal: we’ve all been guilty of this at some point—treating the people we care about like projects to fix. We see their struggles, their mistakes, or even the way they live their lives, and we think, “I can help them fix this.” Or worse, “I need to fix this for them.” But that’s not love, that’s control.
Let me make this really clear: the people in your life are not projects. They’re human beings with their own stories, dreams, fears, and the right to live life their way. When you try to manage them like a task on your to-do list, you’re taking away something vital—their dignity.
Think about it: how would you feel if someone treated you like an ongoing project? If every conversation was a veiled attempt to steer you toward their vision of how you should live your life? It feels suffocating, doesn’t it? You start to doubt yourself, question your worth, and maybe even begin to think, “Maybe I’m not good enough as I am.”
That’s what happens when you try to control the people you love. It’s not about helping them anymore—it’s about you trying to feel more secure by changing someone else. That’s a losing battle, my friend, because you can’t—and shouldn’t—control someone else’s life.
Why We Try to Control
Control often comes from a place of fear. We’re scared our spouse, friend, or family member is going to make mistakes, miss out on opportunities, or end up hurt. So, we swoop in, thinking, “If I can just help them make better choices, everything will be okay.”
But here’s the truth: it’s not your job to fix other people.
Your job is to support them, to love them, and to stand by them as they figure out their own path. If they fall, you’re there to help them back up, but the falling—and the getting back up—needs to be their choice. That’s how people grow. That’s how they build confidence and autonomy.
Letting Go of Control is Love
Real love isn’t about molding someone into what you think they should be. It’s about accepting them for who they are, even when they’re messy, even when they make decisions you wouldn’t make. It’s about letting go—not of your relationship—but of the need to control their journey.
That doesn’t mean you stop caring. It doesn’t mean you don’t offer advice when they ask for it. But it means you let go of the outcome. You stop trying to steer their ship, and instead, you become the person in their corner, ready to support them no matter where the winds take them.
How to Start Letting Go
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Check your motives. Ask yourself: Am I trying to control this person because I’m genuinely concerned, or because their choices make me uncomfortable? Be honest with yourself.
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Set boundaries—for yourself. Remind yourself that it’s not your responsibility to manage someone else’s life. Your role is to love, not to fix.
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Respect their autonomy. Give them the dignity of their own experience. Let them make mistakes, celebrate their victories, and learn on their terms.
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Focus on your own growth. Instead of trying to change someone else, focus on the areas of your life where you can grow. The more secure you are in yourself, the less you’ll feel the need to control others.
At the end of the day, trying to control the people you love will only drive a wedge between you. Real connection happens when you let go, when you embrace them—flaws and all—and walk alongside them, not as their manager, but as their partner in life.
It’s hard to let go. I get it. But the sooner you do, the sooner you’ll realize that the people in your life aren’t projects—they’re the ones you’re supposed to love, exactly as they are.