There’s a hard truth we often need to face in our relationships: people are who they are, not who we might want them to be. We’ve all done it—you meet someone, a friend, a romantic partner, a family member, and you see all the good in them, all their potential. You fall for who they could be. And, honestly, that’s normal. But it’s also dangerous.
Here’s why: every single time you expect someone to live up to a version of them that you’ve created in your head, you’re setting yourself up for frustration, anger, disappointment, and resentment. The brutal reality is that people, no matter how much we care about them or how much potential we see, are going to be themselves. They’re going to bring their own experiences, their own baggage, their own beliefs and habits to the table. That’s the person you’re dealing with—not some future, shinier version.
We Need to Drop the Fantasy Version of People
Often, we hold onto this mental image of who we think someone could be if they’d just change a little. This is especially true in romantic relationships. We think, “If he could just stop being so distant, he’d be perfect,” or “If she would just work on her career a little more, she’d be everything I wanted.” We tell ourselves these things because, deep down, it’s hard to accept that the real person in front of us—the one with all their flaws, quirks, and maybe some things we wish were different—is the person we’re with. Not the potential version, not some “what if” down the road. Just them.
When we drop the fantasy, we make space to appreciate who that person really is. And look, this isn’t about giving up on people or resigning to a life of zero standards. It’s about coming to terms with the fact that no one will ever meet all the idealized, perfect versions we create in our heads. And honestly, that’s a good thing.
Letting Go Means Freedom (For Both of You)
Here’s the next layer of this truth bomb: trying to mold someone into a different version of themselves doesn’t just set you up for disappointment—it suffocates them too. Imagine you were constantly being measured against someone else’s ideal, someone else’s yardstick. You’d feel trapped, like you could never do enough to be loved as you are. That’s a terrible place to put someone you care about.
When you let people be who they actually are, you give both of you the freedom to exist without pressure, to enjoy each other’s company without secretly hoping they’ll change, to support each other’s growth without needing it for your own happiness.
Some People Aren’t Going to Be Right for You
This isn’t a call to stay in relationships or friendships that hurt you. If someone’s choices, beliefs, or behavior don’t line up with your own values, there’s wisdom in recognizing that, as hard as it is to admit. The answer isn’t to force them to change—it’s to realize that maybe this isn’t the best fit. There are times when we need to walk away, not because they’re a bad person, but because they’re just not your person.
How to Embrace This Truth in Your Life
- Accept people for who they are today. Not the “they’ll be great someday” version, not the “if only they’d do this” version. See them, appreciate them, and let that guide how you relate to them.
- Take a hard look at your expectations. Are you setting yourself up for frustration by expecting things from people they’ve shown they can’t or won’t give? Be honest with yourself.
- Let go of the need to fix. Trying to change someone only creates resistance and resentment. Instead, focus on your own actions, responses, and growth.
- Recognize when it’s time to move on. If who they are isn’t who you need, that’s okay. But don’t waste your time—or theirs—waiting on them to be someone different.
At the end of the day, people are complex, beautiful, flawed creatures, just like you. When you stop seeing others as projects and see them as fellow humans on their own journey, you start building stronger, healthier, and more authentic relationships. That’s when you find freedom—not just for them but for yourself too.