Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, but when they follow the same unproductive patterns, they can start to erode trust and intimacy. While conflict itself isn’t the problem, how we handle it often is. Based on decades of research and insights from relationship experts, here are some of the most common mistakes couples make when arguing—and how to correct them.
1. Trying to ‘Win’ the Argument
It’s easy to approach a disagreement as if it’s a battle to be won, but relationships aren’t about keeping score. When your focus is on proving your point rather than understanding your partner, both of you lose.
Fix it: Shift your goal from “winning” to “understanding.” Instead of waiting for your turn to speak, listen actively. Reflect back what your partner is saying before responding. A simple phrase like, “What I hear you saying is…” can go a long way in making both of you feel heard.
2. Using ‘You’ Statements Instead of ‘I’ Statements
“You never help with the dishes!” “You don’t care about me!” Statements that start with “you” tend to sound accusatory and put the other person on the defensive. This often escalates the argument instead of resolving it.
Fix it: Use “I” statements that focus on your feelings rather than blaming your partner. Try: “I feel overwhelmed when I have to clean up alone after dinner.” This invites your partner into a conversation rather than a fight.
3. Letting Small Grievances Build Up
When we avoid addressing minor issues, they don’t go away—they accumulate. A forgotten text, an offhand comment, or an unfulfilled promise can fester into resentment if left unchecked.
Fix it: Address small concerns early, before they become big ones. A weekly “relationship check-in” can be a great way to air minor frustrations in a constructive way, rather than waiting until emotions boil over.
4. Bringing Up the Past
Nothing derails an argument faster than revisiting old wounds. If your partner forgot to pick up milk today, it’s not the time to bring up how they forgot your birthday three years ago. This shifts the conversation from the present issue to a rehashing of past conflicts.
Fix it: Stay focused on the issue at hand. If unresolved past conflicts keep coming up, it may be time for a deeper discussion (outside of the heat of an argument) about lingering hurts.
5. Stonewalling or Shutting Down
One of the most damaging argument patterns is stonewalling—when one partner emotionally withdraws and stops engaging. This can happen because they feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or simply want to avoid conflict. But silence often feels like rejection to the other person, leading to even more frustration.
Fix it: If you need a break, communicate that. Say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take 20 minutes and then come back to this?” This signals that you’re not ignoring the problem but need time to regulate your emotions before continuing.
6. Assuming You Know What Your Partner is Thinking
“I know you did that just to upset me!” or “You don’t even care how I feel!”—these kinds of assumptions can fuel misunderstandings and resentment. We all have blind spots when it comes to our partner’s intentions, and jumping to conclusions rarely helps.
Fix it: Practice curiosity rather than assumption. Instead of accusing, ask: “Can you help me understand why you said/did that?” Giving your partner the chance to explain can lead to a much more productive discussion.
7. Focusing on Being Right Instead of Being Happy
Sometimes, we fight over things that aren’t actually important in the grand scheme of our relationship. If you’re more concerned with proving your point than maintaining harmony, you might be winning the argument at the cost of your connection.
Fix it: Before engaging in a heated debate, ask yourself, “Is this worth the emotional energy?” If it’s a small disagreement, consider whether compromise or letting it go is a better option.
8. Escalating Tone and Language
Raising your voice or using harsh words can quickly turn a minor disagreement into a major fight. When emotions run high, it’s easy to say things we don’t mean or use an aggressive tone that only adds fuel to the fire.
Fix it: Take a deep breath and keep your tone in check. If you notice the conversation getting heated, suggest a pause: “I want to talk about this, but I need a moment to calm down first.” Keeping your tone even and measured makes it easier to communicate effectively.
9. Using Absolutes
Statements like “You always do this” or “You never listen to me” are rarely accurate and tend to make your partner defensive. When someone hears an absolute, they often feel compelled to prove it wrong, which shifts the focus away from the real issue.
Fix it: Avoid sweeping generalizations and focus on the specific behavior that is bothering you. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when you interrupt me.” Keeping the conversation focused and specific will make it easier to find a resolution.
10. ‘Kitchen-Sinking’
Kitchen-sinking—bringing up every past grievance in one argument—only adds to the chaos, making resolution nearly impossible. It overwhelms both partners and makes it difficult to resolve any one issue effectively.
Fix it: Stick to the issue at hand. If there are multiple things bothering you, address them separately instead of unloading everything at once. Focusing on one concern at a time makes it more likely that you’ll actually resolve the issue rather than just adding to the conflict.
The Takeaway
Disagreements are inevitable, but they don’t have to be destructive. By making a few small changes in how you communicate during conflict—listening more, focusing on the issue at hand, and prioritizing understanding over winning—you can transform arguments from battles into opportunities for growth. The key isn’t to avoid arguments altogether, but to have them in a way that strengthens, rather than weakens, your relationship.