Let’s start with the obvious: You are not your child’s bestie. At least, not in the way they mean when they’re whispering secrets to their playground BFF or giggling uncontrollably at something ridiculous on their phones.
But should you be friends at all? Should you strive for camaraderie, mutual respect, or some hybrid model where you’re a benevolent ruler with a standing open-door policy? Parenting culture swings wildly on this issue. One minute, it’s all about attachment and gentle parenting; the next, we’re warning against the perils of permissiveness and lack of boundaries. So where’s the balance?
The Case for Being Their Friend
Friendship, at its core, is about connection. If we define friendship as a supportive, trusting relationship, then yes—why wouldn’t you want that with your kid? Being emotionally available and engaged in their lives builds the kind of relationship where they feel safe coming to you with their problems, rather than seeking guidance from the kid in their class who’s currently obsessed with vape pens and conspiracy theories on TikTok.
In her book The Price of Privilege, psychologist Madeline Levine notes that kids who feel securely attached to their parents tend to have better emotional regulation and decision-making skills. If “friendship” means you talk to your child about their interests, share your own experiences, and create an environment where they feel heard, that’s not a bad thing. It’s just good parenting.
The Limits of Friendship
And yet. There’s a reason the phrase I’m not your friend; I’m your parent exists. Because sometimes, parenting requires being the least fun person in the room. There are rules to enforce, curfews to set, and heartbreaks where the best response is not to commiserate but to provide guidance and reassurance. If you’ve ever been tempted to let something slide because you didn’t want to be “uncool,” you already know the problem with being too much of a friend: Parenting is not a popularity contest, and trying to be your child’s buddy at the expense of discipline does them no favors.
As Dr. Lisa Damour, psychologist and author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, often points out, kids don’t need their parents to be on equal footing. They need adults who can provide stability and structure, even when they push against it. If your kid calls you their best friend, you might want to ask yourself: Am I giving them the guardrails they actually need?
Finding the Right Balance
The sweet spot seems to be relational but authoritative. You can be warm, open, and interested in their world without being their peer. That means:
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Encouraging conversation without oversharing your own adult problems.
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Setting boundaries without being rigid or dismissive.
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Being available for their emotional needs without making them responsible for yours.
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Listening to their perspectives while still maintaining final decision-making power.
Some of the most effective parents are those who provide a mix of guidance, support, and connection—without worrying whether their kids like them at every moment.
So, should you be friends with your kids? Sure, in the sense that you’re fostering a close, trusting relationship. But if you’re finding yourself seeking their approval or hesitating to enforce boundaries, it might be time to step back and reclaim your role as parent first, friend second.