Have you ever watched a friend, partner, or family member make a decision so bafflingly bad that you wanted to shake them and shout, Why are you doing this to yourself?! Maybe it’s a sibling stuck in an unhealthy relationship. A parent who refuses to go to the doctor. A spouse who won’t stop scrolling their phone at dinner.
If you’ve ever tried to change someone’s behavior—nudged, suggested, begged, pleaded, or outright demanded—you’ve probably learned one frustrating truth: You can’t make a person change.
But that doesn’t mean you’re powerless.
The Illusion of Control
When we care about someone, we want what’s best for them. We want them to be happy, healthy, and safe. But often, what we think is best for them isn’t what they want—or at least, they’re not ready to want it yet.
Psychologists call this the illusion of control—the mistaken belief that we can change another person’s thoughts, emotions, or actions if we just find the right words or approach. But true change doesn’t come from external pressure. It comes from within.
Research shows that people resist being told what to do, even when it’s in their best interest. This is called reactance, a psychological pushback against feeling controlled. Tell someone to quit smoking, and they may just dig in harder. Criticize your partner’s spending, and they might get defensive instead of reflective.
So, what can you do?
Focus on Influence, Not Force
While you can’t force change, you can create an environment where change is more likely. Here’s how:
1. Ask, Don’t Tell
Instead of leading with a directive (“You need to stop eating junk food”), try asking open-ended questions:
- What do you think would make you feel healthier?
- What’s your biggest concern about making a change?
- How do you see this playing out long-term?
When people arrive at a realization on their own, they’re far more likely to act on it.
2. Lead with Empathy
People don’t change when they feel judged. They change when they feel understood. Instead of telling them why their behavior is a problem, listen to their perspective.
- “It seems like this habit is comforting to you. What do you get out of it?”
- “I see how hard this is for you. How can I support you?”
Genuine empathy builds trust, which makes people more open to new ideas.
3. Model the Behavior Yourself
You can’t demand change, but you can inspire it. If you want your partner to spend less time on their phone, put yours away first. If you wish your friend took better care of their health, start making changes in your own life.
People are much more likely to change when they see someone they respect walking the walk.
4. Set Boundaries for Yourself
Sometimes, the best way to encourage change is to change your own behavior.
- If a loved one keeps venting about the same problem but won’t take action, you can say: “I love you, but I don’t think I can keep having this conversation if you’re not open to solutions.”
- If a partner’s bad habits are affecting you, you can say: “I need to take care of myself, so I’ll be doing X instead.”
Boundaries aren’t punishments; they’re ways of protecting your own well-being. And often, they encourage others to reflect on their own choices.
Accept What You Can’t Change
At the end of the day, people only change when they’re ready. If they aren’t, no amount of logic, pleading, or tough love will do the trick.
What you can do is be a supportive presence. A patient friend. A model of the change you’d like to see.
And if all else fails? Let go. Not with resentment, but with peace.
Because sometimes, the best way to help someone grow is to step back—and let them find their own way.