You’ve probably heard one. You might’ve even said one.
“I’m sorry if you were offended.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I guess I’m sorry, but you were being kind of sensitive.”
Sound familiar?
That, my friend, is a non-apology—a statement dressed up to look like accountability, but underneath, it’s just avoidance wrapped in a cheap suit of words.
Let’s talk about what these are, why we use them, and what they do to our relationships. Because if we’re being honest, most of us are guilty of tossing one out at some point—not because we’re bad people, but because real apologies require something most of us haven’t practiced: vulnerability and ownership.
What Is a Non-Apology?
A non-apology is when someone uses words that sound like an apology, but they don’t take actual responsibility. It’s an attempt to dodge guilt, deflect blame, or water down the impact of an action without genuinely making things right.
It’s the relationship version of a kid saying “sorry” because a parent told them to—not because they understand what they did wrong or want to repair the damage.
Here’s the truth: a non-apology says, “I care more about how I look than how you feel.”
Why Do People Use Non-Apologies?
Because real apologies are uncomfortable. They require us to sit in our mess.
They require us to say:
- “I was wrong.”
- “I hurt you.”
- “I didn’t show up the way I should have.”
And most of us don’t like how that feels. So instead, we reach for control. We try to manage the other person’s pain instead of owning our role in it.
But managing pain isn’t the same as healing it.
Non-apologies come from a place of fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being labeled “the bad guy.” Fear of losing control of the narrative.
But here’s the paradox: real connection only grows when we let go of control.
The Damage They Do
If you’re on the receiving end of a non-apology, it feels like someone is putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound and saying, “There. All better.”
It doesn’t validate the hurt. It doesn’t acknowledge the harm. And worst of all—it tells the person who’s hurting, “Your pain makes me uncomfortable, so I’m going to make this about me instead.”
That creates distance. It breeds resentment. Over time, it kills trust.
What a Real Apology Looks Like
Let’s be clear: an apology isn’t a magic eraser. It doesn’t undo what was done. But it does open the door to repair and reconnection.
A real apology sounds like:
- “I’m so sorry. I was wrong to say that.”
- “I didn’t realize how much that hurt you, but I hear you now.”
- “You’re right—I let you down, and I want to make it right.”
No ifs. No buts. No excuses. Just honesty. Ownership. Empathy.
A good apology is less about the words and more about the heart behind them.
Final Thoughts
Here’s what I want you to hear loud and clear:
Apologizing doesn’t make you weak. It makes you trustworthy.
It tells the people in your life, “You matter. Our relationship matters. And I’m willing to own my part of the pain because I want to help us heal.”
And if you’ve been offering non-apologies in your relationships—welcome to the club. We’ve all done it. But today can be the day you choose something better.
Choose honesty over image. Choose connection over control.
Choose love over pride.
Because the people in your life? They’re not looking for your perfection.
They’re looking for your presence.
Let’s give them that.