Let’s be honest: if you’ve ever found yourself saying, “How many times do I have to tell you…?” or “You’re not listening to me!”—you’re not alone. Every parent has been there.
But here’s the truth: listening isn’t about obedience. It’s about connection. Kids don’t tune us out because they want to make our lives harder. They tune us out because they don’t feel emotionally safe, regulated, or understood in that moment.
So, how do we shift that dynamic? How do we talk so our kids actually listen?
Let’s walk through it—step by step.
1. Start with Regulation, Not Words
Your child can’t hear you if their brain is in fight-or-flight mode. Before you say anything, check the emotional temperature of the room.
Instead of shouting from across the house or trying to talk mid-tantrum, try this:
“Hey, I can see you’re feeling really upset. I’m right here. We’ll figure this out together.”
You’re showing up as the safe anchor, not the storm. Kids listen when they feel secure.
2. Speak Less. Connect More.
Parents often fall into the trap of over-talking. We lecture. We explain. We repeat ourselves. But children aren’t little adults—they’re overwhelmed by too many words.
Try this:
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Get down to eye level.
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Use a calm, clear tone.
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Say what you mean in one or two sentences.
Instead of: “How many times have I told you to clean your room? You always leave it a mess, and it’s not okay, and I’m tired of repeating myself…”
Try:
“I see toys on the floor. Let’s clean them up before dinner.”
Simple. Clear. Regulated.
3. Validate Before You Redirect
This is huge. Kids don’t want to feel controlled—they want to feel understood. When we jump straight to correction, we skip over their experience.
Before asking for what you want, connect to what they feel:
“I get it—you were building something really cool and didn’t want to stop.”
Then:
“And now it’s time to clean up.”
That “and” is powerful. It says: your feelings are real and we still hold boundaries.
4. Make Collaboration the Goal
When kids feel like they’re working with you instead of against you, everything changes.
Try inviting cooperation:
“Should we set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes of clean-up time?”
Giving choice within boundaries increases buy-in. It’s not about letting kids run the show—it’s about giving them a role in it.
️ 5. Repair When You Mess Up
Let’s be clear: you will lose your temper. You will yell. You’ll say something you wish you hadn’t. And that’s okay.
Repair is how trust is built.
You can say:
“I got really frustrated and yelled. That’s not how I want to handle things. I’m sorry. You deserve better, and I’m working on it.”
This doesn’t make you weak—it makes you safe. Repair teaches your child that relationships can bend and not break.
Final Thought
Talking so your child will listen doesn’t mean being perfect. It means showing up with connection before correction. It means regulating yourself first. It means remembering that your child isn’t giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time.
And when we parent from that place?
That’s when our kids begin to listen—not out of fear, but out of trust.
Want more support? I’ve got scripts, tools, and workshops to help you build that secure relationship—without shame, guilt, or power struggles.
You’re doing better than you think.