Let me be clear right out of the gate: being friends with an ex isn’t inherently wrong. Life is complicated. People grow. Some relationships end amicably. Some co-parent. Some work together. Some share friend groups. I get it.
But if you’re dating someone who’s still friends with their ex—and I mean actual friends, not just polite at mutual events—it’s worth pausing and asking a simple question:
“Why?”
Because here’s the truth: Nothing in a healthy relationship gets to stay immune from healthy curiosity.
So when your new boyfriend or girlfriend says, “Oh, we still hang out sometimes” or “We talk all the time, but it’s nothing,” you’re not crazy for feeling that weird pit in your stomach. That feeling is a signal, not a flaw.
Let’s break it down.
1. Friendship Requires Emotional Energy
Every relationship—romantic or platonic—costs something. Time. Attention. Vulnerability. Emotional bandwidth.
So if they’re still giving consistent emotional energy to someone they once loved or slept with… guess what? That’s energy not being invested in you.
And that’s not about jealousy. It’s about intentionality.
2. Clarity Is Kind. Vagueness Is a Red Flag.
If you ask, “Hey, what’s the nature of your relationship with your ex?” and they get defensive, vague, or say “It’s none of your business”? That’s not privacy. That’s secrecy. And those are two very different things.
Privacy protects intimacy. Secrecy erodes it.
In healthy relationships, you don’t need to know every detail, but you should know enough to feel safe and grounded. If you’re constantly left guessing, that’s not love—it’s a power imbalance.
3. Emotional Open Doors Stay… Open
Let’s be honest: many people don’t stay friends with exes for noble reasons. They stay friends because it’s a security blanket. A door that never really closed.
And when things get hard in your relationship? That open door becomes a tempting escape hatch.
I’ve seen it a hundred times: someone says “Oh, we’re just friends now,” but deep down, they still want validation, attention, or—let’s call it what it is—a backup plan.
If you’re the person trying to build a future with someone who still keeps one foot in the past, you’re gonna feel like you’re constantly competing with a ghost. And that’s exhausting.
4. You Deserve Someone Who’s All In
This isn’t about being controlling or insecure. It’s about building a relationship where both people are fully present.
You deserve to be with someone who’s not leaving windows cracked open to old flames.
You deserve someone who’s turned the page—not just bookmarked it.
If someone isn’t willing to create healthy boundaries with their past in order to build something strong with you in the present…then you’ve got your answer.
You don’t need to beg for commitment. You don’t need to argue about “what it really means.” You just need to listen to what their actions are already telling you.
Final Thought: Don’t Ignore What You Feel
If something feels off, trust that instinct. Don’t gaslight yourself into silence. And don’t get stuck in a relationship where you’re expected to be the understanding one while your partner keeps parts of their heart in places that no longer serve the life they’re building with you.
Ask the hard questions. Set the boundary. And if they can’t honor it?
That tells you everything you need to know.
You’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking for someone who’s ready.