I’m a 38-year-old woman who’s been with a 40-year-old man for 16 years. We have two daughters (4 and 8). I always wanted to be married before having kids, but he convinced me otherwise — saying he feared I wouldn’t want kids if we married first. I gave in, and I’ve regretted it ever since.
For years I’ve felt depressed and disposable, but the feelings got worse last summer before our 16th anniversary. I think about it every day — feeling like I’m not good enough to be loved fully. I’m a stay-at-home mom and financially dependent on him, so leaving isn’t simple.
I’m embarrassed. Even my close friend thinks we’re married because I’ve never corrected her. His family calls me his fiancée because “girlfriend” sounds too small after all this time.
A few months ago, a younger priest wouldn’t absolve me at confession because I couldn’t promise not to fornicate. Since then, I can’t even bring myself to take communion, and it’s added a heavy spiritual shame on top of everything else.
I love him, but my feelings have changed. I’ve started to believe men can’t truly love. I stay for my daughters, but the thought of feeling like this for another 14 years is unbearable. I sometimes daydream about a future where I can finally find someone who chooses me completely.
I don’t know how to stop hurting. How do I move past this? Can I talk him into marrying me? I feel so lost.
First, let’s be crystal clear: You are not worthless. You are not disposable. You’re a human being who deserves love, commitment, and respect. What you’re feeling right now — sadness, shame, depression — makes perfect sense given your situation. You’re living half-in, half-out of a relationship where you’ve never been fully chosen.
And that’s the heart of it:
He’s been willing to build a life with you, but he refuses to honor you in it.
You didn’t create this situation overnight, and you’re not going to “just get over it” overnight either. You’re grieving. You’re grieving the life you thought you’d have. You’re grieving the respect and commitment you deserve but never received. And deep down, you’re starting to realize you can’t fix this by trying harder or waiting longer.
Here’s what you need to hear, even if it’s hard:
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You staying for your daughters is understandable — but dangerous.
Children learn what love, respect, and relationships look like by watching their parents. Right now, your daughters are learning that it’s normal for a woman to stay in a relationship where her needs are ignored and her heart is broken. -
You staying because you’re financially dependent is real — but solvable.
It won’t be easy, but it’s not impossible. Thousands of women have taken their first steps toward financial independence later in life. You can too. Find a financial counselor, a free community resource, or a trusted friend who can help you start making a plan. -
You staying because of shame isn’t noble — it’s suffocating.
You mentioned feeling like you’re going to hell. Let me be clear: God isn’t standing at the gates with a clipboard waiting to slam the door on you. He’s weeping with you. He’s aching for you to choose healing, wholeness, and a life rooted in dignity and love.
Here’s your next move — and it’s not to “talk him into marrying you.” You can’t beg someone into choosing you.
Your next move is to choose yourself.
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Find a licensed counselor you can meet with weekly. Start unpacking the years of pain you’ve stuffed down.
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Build a plan — even if it’s slow and messy — for how you can eventually support yourself financially.
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Tell one or two trusted friends the full truth so you’re not carrying this burden alone anymore.
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Set a date on the calendar to have a full, honest conversation with your partner. Not to beg. Not to threaten. Just to state the truth: you deserve to be loved openly and fully.
You deserve more than crumbs.
You deserve more than hiding your truth from friends and strangers.
You deserve more than mourning a relationship while pretending it’s okay.
It’s terrifying to imagine leaving the only life you’ve known. But let me tell you what’s even more terrifying:
Waking up 10 years from now — even more exhausted, even more broken, even more convinced that you’re unlovable.
You are worthy of love, respect, and full-hearted commitment.
You don’t have to stay stuck in this.
You can begin again.
You’re not too old.
You’re not too late.
And you are absolutely strong enough to build a life where you are chosen — by someone else, and most importantly, by yourself.
You’ve got this. Take one small step today. Then another tomorrow. And don’t stop walking.