Relationships — the real kind, the messy kind, the forever kind — aren’t undone by grand betrayals most of the time. They’re worn down, day by day, by small assumptions. Dangerous ones.
Maybe you know the feeling.
She forgets to tell you about a school event until the last minute. He criticizes how you loaded the dishwasher. She reminds you — again — to lock the front door, and it lands like a slap, not a suggestion.
It’s so easy in those moments to let your brain sprint down the wrong track:
“She’s doing this just to criticize me.”
“He doesn’t respect how hard I’m trying.”
“She thinks I’m an idiot.”
And before you know it, you’re not just annoyed about this one thing. You’re carrying a heavy little backpack full of every annoyance, every slight, every misinterpreted comment from the past six months.
(And guess what? She’s probably doing the same.)
But here’s the truth no one really tells you:
Most of the time, the people who love us are not trying to hurt us.
They’re trying — clumsily, imperfectly — to help.
They’re trying to make things better.
They’re trying to protect something — you, the kids, the home you’re building together — even if it doesn’t always feel like it in the moment.
And the key that changes everything?
Choosing to assume positive intent.
What does that actually look like?
It’s not pretending that hurtful moments don’t exist. It’s not gaslighting yourself into being “okay” with real problems. (If there’s an actual serious problem, you deal with it — with honesty.)
But for the everyday friction of marriage, it’s asking yourself:
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“What’s the kindest possible reason she could have said that?”
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“What’s the most generous explanation for why he forgot that thing?”
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“Could she actually be trying to help, even if she missed the mark?”
It’s realizing that maybe when she reminds you (again) to call the plumber, it’s not because she thinks you’re incompetent — it’s because she’s stressed, too, and is trying to keep the household running.
It’s seeing that when he says, “Are you sure about that?” it’s not an attack — it might be a poorly worded attempt to double-check, to care, to be part of the solution.
Assuming positive intent is a discipline. A decision. Sometimes, honestly, it’s a leap of faith.
But it’s what strong marriages are built on.
Because if you don’t assume positive intent, if you let yourself believe — even a little bit — that your partner is out to get you, or doesn’t respect you, or is secretly rooting against you?
You will start treating them like an enemy.
And you cannot build a marriage with someone you secretly believe is against you.
The Bottom Line
You have a choice every day:
Believe the best in your partner, or believe the worst.
Believe that she’s trying to help, even when it comes out sideways.
Believe that he loves you, even when he forgets something important.
Believe that you’re both, in your own messy human ways, on the same team.
It won’t fix everything overnight.
But it will change how you talk to each other.
It will change how you fight.
It will change how you forgive.
And maybe — just maybe — it will save you from turning small moments of misunderstanding into a lifetime of resentment.
Assume positive intent.
You’ll be amazed how much lighter everything feels.