I’m 28, and my sister is 30. For the past 15 years, she’s essentially done nothing. She still lives with our parents, spends most of her time in her room on her computer, and has no interests, goals, or friends besides our mom.
She dropped out of high school at 15 and didn’t get her GED until she was 24. She’s only ever held two minimum-wage jobs, each lasting a few months. She refuses therapy, won’t engage with the world, and lashes out anytime I try to help. She’s emotionally stuck in adolescence, and it’s like I’m the only one who sees it.
I’ve tried for years to push her — to get a job, join something, see someone, anything. I’ve even begged my parents to intervene, but they’re in denial. She has no life skills, no independence, and no diagnosis, though I strongly suspect undiagnosed autism or another developmental issue.
I love her. I really do. But my compassion is running dry. I resent being the only one who cares enough to push, and I’m scared for what happens when our parents are gone. I don’t want her to end up on the street. But I’m exhausted, angry, and losing hope.
I want to start with something that might feel hard to hear: you cannot save your sister.
You’ve been showing up as her advocate, her motivator, her alarm clock, her life coach, and when needed, her stand-in parent. But here’s the truth: your sister doesn’t need a second mother. She needs professional help. And you need peace.
You mentioned your sister “hasn’t done anything” since she was 15 — but the way you describe her situation paints a picture of someone who may be dealing with serious mental or neurological challenges. That doesn’t excuse her behavior, but it does help explain why traditional encouragement or scolding doesn’t work.
Let’s talk about control.
You don’t control your sister’s brain.
You don’t control your sister’s choices.
You don’t control your parents’ inaction.
But here’s what you do control:
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Your boundaries.
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Your presence.
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Your peace.
Right now, your life is tethered to someone else’s inaction. And the resentment you feel? That’s not because you’re cold or unloving. It’s because you care so deeply and it’s gone nowhere. You’re tired of loving someone who refuses to move.
So what now?
You draw a hard line. Not out of anger, but out of love — for her and for you.
That might mean having one final, honest conversation with your parents: “I love you. And I love her. But I can’t carry this anymore. She needs professional help, and I won’t keep enabling her by pretending this is normal.”
That might mean telling your sister: “I’m stepping away. I love you, but I will no longer push, prod, or plead. When you’re ready for help, I’ll support that. But I can’t keep living inside your story while abandoning my own.”
That might mean seeing a therapist yourself, not because you’re broken, but because you’ve been in survival mode for years. You deserve support too.
And here’s one more hard truth: yes, one day your parents will be gone. And that may leave your sister in a dangerous spot. But that’s not on you. If no one intervenes now — if she won’t take ownership and your parents won’t step in — then tragedy may follow. And I hate that. But dragging yourself down into the pit with her doesn’t pull her up. It just buries both of you.
Grieve the relationship you wish you had with her. Mourn the help you never got from your parents. And then go build a life of peace, boundaries, and maybe one day — reconciliation.
You don’t have to stop loving your sister.
But you do have to stop sacrificing yourself to someone who won’t accept the lifeline you keep offering.