My husband (37M) and I (36F) have been together for ten years, and lately, I’m scared I’ve caught “the ick.” We’ve been through a lot of change recently, and I feel like something inside me broke.
Last year, we moved across the country to support his creative career. We planned to keep our remote jobs while he tried to break into a new industry. But the day before we left, he was laid off.
I became the sole earner. I hated the new city, burned out from overworking, and watched my own dreams—like buying a house and having a baby—start to slip away. Meanwhile, he struggled to gain traction and only filed for unemployment after I asked. It felt like I was drowning while he treaded water.
The breaking point came when I begged him to tweak his job search approach and he didn’t. Another opportunity slipped through. I felt completely alone in our partnership.
He has a job now—nothing exciting, but it helps. Still, I’m left with this heavy feeling of distance and doubt. I miss the love we had. I hate that my feelings are tied to his setbacks, and I worry I’ve internalized unhealthy ideas about success. But I also feel I can’t rely on him the way I used to.
Has anyone ever made it back from this kind of emotional drift? I haven’t told him everything because I know it would hurt him, and I’m not sure what it would fix.
What you’re going through is hard. Not “just a rough patch” hard—this is soul tired, “I don’t recognize my life anymore” kind of hard. And I want you to know you’re not crazy, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone.
You’re carrying a heavy emotional and financial load, and somewhere along the way, your marriage stopped feeling like a partnership and started feeling like a solo mission. That’s not sustainable, and your body and mind are sounding the alarm. That “ick” you’re feeling? It’s a warning sign—not necessarily the end, but a flashing light that something needs to change.
Now, let’s talk about that feeling. The “ick” doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband. It means your trust in him to carry his part of the weight is cracked. Trust is the foundation of connection. And when you start to feel like the only adult in the house, your nervous system goes into overdrive. That disconnect? That’s your body protecting you.
Here’s what I want you to do next:
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Get Honest – With yourself first. What do you want? What do you need to feel safe and connected again? Then, be brave enough to share it with him. You don’t need to attack or blame, but you do need to be real. Marriage isn’t about pretending things are fine—it’s about choosing truth over comfort.
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Create Structure – Chaos kills connection. Sit down and build a vision together. That means budgets, job plans, therapy appointments, and dreams that matter to both of you. Get it on paper. Then work toward it side by side.
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Call in the Pros – You don’t have to white-knuckle this. A good marriage counselor can help you both understand the real wounds underneath the stress and start rebuilding trust brick by brick.
You’re not shallow for struggling with this. You’re a human being who wants safety, partnership, and hope. That’s not a failure. That’s a sign your heart still wants to fight.
It’s not about going back to who you were. It’s about choosing who you’re going to be—together or apart—with courage and clarity.
You’ve got this.