For most of my six-year marriage, I’ve been unfaithful to my wife with my ex-girlfriend. She discovered the affair a few years ago, and we tried counseling. I ended things with my ex for about a year—but I relapsed. I reconnected with my ex, and the affair resumed for several more years. My wife recently found out again and nearly divorced me for the third time.
Now, I want to rebuild trust and save our relationship, but I don’t know how. I’ve been honest about everything, and I’ve agreed to total transparency—letting her track my phone and access all my emails and social media. Still, she doesn’t trust me, and I understand why. I want to change. I just don’t know how to start.
Let’s stop pretending this is a “how do I rebuild trust?” problem. You’re not looking to fix your marriage—you’re looking for a shortcut to forgiveness. You’ve burned the house down twice and now you’re standing in the ashes asking how to redecorate.
You cheated for years. Years. After your wife already caught you and chose to stay. That’s not a mistake. That’s a lifestyle. And you didn’t just betray her—you gaslit her, manipulated her, and stripped her of any emotional safety she had left. She tried to rebuild with you, and you spat in her face.
Now you’re asking how to fix it? Here’s the hard truth: you might not get to. Trust isn’t something you can demand because you’ve stopped lying for now. It’s something that’s earned over years of doing the right thing, especially when no one’s looking. And you haven’t earned a damn thing yet.
She doesn’t trust you because you’re not trustworthy. You’ve proven that. And your first instinct when things got hard wasn’t to fight for your marriage—it was to go crawling back to the one person who represented your own selfishness. That’s not a slip-up. That’s who you’ve been.
You want to be better? Great. Then stop asking how to make her trust you and start becoming a man who deserves it. Own what you did. Every bit of it. No excuses, no “I got an itch,” no passive language to soften the reality. You didn’t stumble—you walked straight into betrayal with your eyes wide open.
This journey won’t be measured in days or weeks. It’s going to take years of hard, painful, unglamorous work. And she still might leave you—and if she does, that’s not her being cold. That’s her finally choosing peace. And you better not call it unfair. You earned that outcome too.
If you want to even have a shot at earning back her trust, here’s what that takes—no shortcuts, no BS:
You have to become boringly consistent. Show up every day, do the right thing, and expect nothing in return. No credit, no pats on the back, no timeline for when she’ll feel okay again. Just do it because it’s the only decent way forward.
Tell the truth before she asks. You should be laying your life bare. Not just letting her catch you—inviting her into everything. “Here’s who I talked to today. Here’s where I was. Here’s a mistake I almost made and how I handled it.”
Get in therapy and stay there. Until you understand why you were willing to hurt her so profoundly—twice—you’re just putting paint on rotting wood. The affair was a symptom. You need to treat the disease.
Accept that she may never trust you again. That’s her right. She is under no obligation to stay, and if she does, it won’t be because you deserve it—it will be because she chooses to give you a second (third) chance you never earned.
Stop performing. If this is just about easing your guilt or making her feel better faster, it will fail. You need to change because you want to be a better man—not a better liar, not a better manipulator, a better man.
And you better be ready for this to take years. Years of steady, integrity-first living. That’s how trust is rebuilt. Not through promises. Through proof.
You blew up her world. The least you can do is rebuild yours from the ground up. And if she decides to walk away? You walk into that reality with your head down and your eyes open—grateful she even tried.