I’m a 20-year-old guy, and during college I became close friends with a girl from one of my classes. She told me early on that she had a boyfriend, so I kept things platonic. But over time, I developed feelings for her — deeper than I expected. I tried to push them down and stay just friends, but the feelings only grew, especially after we started hanging out less. It got to the point where I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and I felt completely consumed.
I knew it was wrong to fixate on someone who was taken, and I hated myself for it. I tried distancing, deleting social media, anything to move on — but nothing worked. I started texting her more than I should have, out of a desperate need to connect, even though every message made me feel ashamed. Eventually, I sent a long confession, not to win her over, but in the hope it would help me move on. She didn’t respond, and later unfriended me after I tried awkwardly to start a group chat conversation.
I get it. I crossed a line. I made her uncomfortable, and I take full responsibility. But the fallout has wrecked my self-esteem. I used to think of myself as a decent, grounded person. Now I just feel pathetic and ashamed.
I’m not trying to make myself out to be the victim here — I know this is on me. I just want to learn from it, become a better person, and rebuild my confidence. If you have any advice on how to move forward and deal with the guilt, I’d really appreciate it.
First, let me say this: You’re not broken. You’re human.
What you’re describing — the spiraling thoughts, the guilt, the fixation, the shame — it’s not uncommon, even if it feels isolating. You opened your heart to a connection that, deep down, you knew wasn’t available to you, and then you tried to outrun your own emotions like they were something to be ashamed of. That never works. Emotions don’t go away because we decide they’re inconvenient.
Let’s break this down.
You met someone you genuinely liked. She was kind, engaging, maybe even inspiring. That’s not a crime. You didn’t set out to manipulate or interfere — in fact, you tried really hard not to be that guy. But your feelings didn’t cooperate, and you found yourself caught in a mental tug-of-war: wanting to move on, unable to let go.
That internal chaos — the obsessive thinking, the attempts to gain her attention, the final confession — those weren’t signs of malice. They were signs of a person desperate for relief, trying to self-regulate without the tools to do so.
And yes, your actions eventually made her uncomfortable. That matters. It’s good that you see that and take responsibility. It’s a sign of growth that you’re not just rationalizing it all away. But here’s the truth you need to hear now:
Guilt is useful when it leads to repair. Shame is only useful when it leads to growth. After that, you have to let both go.
You’ve done what you can: You’re not reaching out. You’re reflecting. You’re asking, “How do I change?”
So here’s how.
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Start treating your mind like a muscle, not a mystery. You said you couldn’t stop thinking about her — not because you wanted to, but because your brain latched onto her like a drug. That’s what brains do. Start learning how to observe your thoughts without indulging them. Mindfulness, therapy, journaling — these aren’t fluff. They’re training tools.
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Stop letting this one situation define you. You are not “a creepy weirdo.” You are a guy who made some poor choices in a painful emotional storm. Don’t confuse your behavior during a breakdown with your core identity.
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Fixate on purpose, not people. What made her so magnetic? Intelligence? Drive? Passion? Cool. That’s a mirror — it’s showing you the qualities you want to develop in yourself. Channel that obsession into self-development. Let her success inspire your own, not crush it.
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Take this pain seriously. Not as punishment — as transformation. This is your “rock bottom” moment. Use it. Get therapy if you can. Talk to someone in real life. Learn about emotional regulation, codependency, and rejection sensitivity. You can get stronger from this.
And finally — forgive yourself. Not to excuse the past, but to make room for your future.
You don’t need to chase closure from her anymore. That chapter is over. But you do owe yourself a new chapter — one where you grow up, level up, and learn to love people in ways that are mutual, healthy, and real.
And you will.