My husband and I got married in 2017. We both came into the marriage with separate assets, and we signed a prenup that stated whatever we brought in would remain individually owned. At the time, this felt fair and safe, especially for me — I had a significantly higher net worth, and I’ve been through a financially abusive relationship before. That prenup gave me peace of mind.
After the wedding, we moved into the house I own. It’s been our primary residence since, and it’s appreciated significantly in value. Recently, my husband asked to amend our prenup so he could have an equitable stake in the house. When I hesitated, he said he no longer wants to contribute to housing costs — unless he receives equity in return.
To be clear, he does pay a portion of the mortgage ($1,600/month), while I cover the rest (the full payment is $4,150). But the house is legally mine, and under our current agreement, he’s not entitled to any of its value.
I feel torn. On the one hand, I understand where he’s coming from. He says he feels like he’s “just paying rent to his wife” and not building any wealth. He also owns his own investment properties — one he bought before we married, and another I helped him acquire after marriage by using my income and credit. I don’t have any stake in that second property, and yet it’s counted against my credit.
From his perspective, it probably feels like I’m reaping all the long-term financial benefits while he helps with the monthly bills. From my perspective, we had an agreement, and he’s now trying to renegotiate it after the fact. I don’t think he’s trying to take advantage of me, but I also feel like I’m being emotionally pressured into giving up equity in the most valuable asset I own.
We’ve kept almost everything separate financially — separate checking accounts, separate taxes, even separate investments. Emotionally, we’re close. We enjoy each other and our life together, and we’re raising three kids. But financially, it’s like we’re roommates with kids and occasional business entanglements.
I want to protect myself and my kids, but I also want to do right by my husband. I know this issue is straining our relationship, and I don’t want to let money drive a wedge between us. What’s a fair and healthy way to move forward? Is there a middle ground that respects both the prenup and the reality that we’ve been building a life together for years?
You’ve laid out something many couples eventually face, especially when they enter marriage with assets, history, and hard-earned independence: the quiet tug-of-war between mine and ours.
And here’s the truth most people won’t tell you: you can’t build a shared life with walls around everything. At some point, your marriage has to become a team — not just emotionally, not just as co-parents, but financially too. Because money isn’t just math. It’s meaning. It tells the story of what you value, what you fear, and how deeply you trust.
When you married in 2017, your prenup made perfect sense. You were protecting yourself. You’d been hurt, manipulated, and maybe even financially trapped before. You weren’t going to let that happen again — and that was wise. You walked into your marriage with your eyes wide open.
But now, it’s years later. You’ve built a home together. You’re raising three kids. You’re navigating careers and daily chaos. And your husband is saying something that’s hard to hear, but important: “I want to feel like I’m building this with you — not just renting space in your life.”
That matters.
You’re not wrong to feel cautious. But if you’re going to keep growing this marriage, the question shifts from “How do I keep myself safe?” to “How do we build something we both believe in — together?”
Let’s talk specifics:
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Right now, he’s contributing to the mortgage, but has no stake in the home. That may have worked in year one, but years later, it starts to feel lopsided — not just to him, but to the health of the marriage.
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He owns a property you helped him acquire post-marriage. You have no stake in it, even though it cost you credit and possibly opportunity. That imbalance matters too.
You’re both quietly keeping score, and those scores are starting to feel like resentments. That’s not sustainable. No couple thrives while living parallel financial lives.
So what’s next?
1. A financial conversation — not about the past, but the future. What do you want to build together? What kind of financial foundation will help you both feel like partners instead of individual stakeholders with kids in common?
2. A professional, third-party perspective. A financial planner or therapist can help you design a model that honors the security you need and the equity he’s asking for. This isn’t about surrender — it’s about collaboration.
3. A new agreement — not to erase the prenup, but to evolve it. Maybe he starts buying into a portion of the house moving forward. Maybe you co-own future properties. Maybe you create a trust that ensures protection for your kids, while also acknowledging his investment in the life you’re building.
Marriage is not a fixed contract; it’s a living thing. And right now, it’s asking to grow.
You want to protect yourself and your children. That’s noble. But protection doesn’t always mean isolation. Sometimes it means building something stronger — together — so no one has to live with one foot out the door.
You’re not choosing between yourself and your husband. You’re choosing whether this marriage becomes a true partnership. And it can — if you’re both willing to stop keeping score and start building the same house.