I’m a 43-year-old mom, and my 16-year-old son, Ryan, has always been a stereotypical “jock”—he plays football, is popular at school, and has had the same best friend, James, since they were kids. James is like family: they go to the gym together, drive to school together, have sleepovers (only with each other), and even vacation with us.
Recently, due to a string of neighborhood robberies, we installed a Ring doorbell camera. Yesterday, after coming home from the gym, I caught something on the footage that surprised me: James and Ryan kissed on the front steps before James drove off.
Ryan doesn’t know about the camera yet, and in the past, I’ve heard him say homophobic things, which I suspect might be a defense mechanism—maybe out of fear of how his dad might react. I’m not upset about him being gay. I just want him to know it’s okay. Should I bring up what I saw or wait for him to come out on his own?
First, let me say how heartening it is that your primary instinct is to make sure your son knows he’s safe and loved. That’s the most powerful kind of parenting, and Ryan is lucky to have you.
What you saw on the doorbell camera is likely a deeply private moment—one that he may not be ready to talk about yet. Coming out is an intensely personal journey, and even when a parent is accepting, fear of rejection—especially from a father or peer group—can be paralyzing.
You don’t need to confront him with what you saw. Instead, open the door to acceptance in subtle but unmistakable ways. Make casual, affirming comments when LGBTQ+ topics come up in conversation. Speak openly about how your love for your children is unconditional. You might even say something like, “I hope you know you can always talk to me about anything—who you are, who you love—I’ll always support you.”
This creates emotional safety without forcing a confession. If you’re concerned about his homophobic remarks, that’s another opportunity to gently challenge those ideas—perhaps by asking, “Why do you think someone might feel the need to hide who they are?” That might nudge him toward self-reflection.
Give him time. Let love lead. When he’s ready, he’ll know he can come to you.