My wife and I have been married for five years, but our relationship has had its struggles. About a year ago, I reconnected with an old friend from after high school, and we started spending time together as couples. During that time, his wife made a pass at me, and we’ve been having an affair for the past eight months.
We’ve talked about everything—our marriages, our frustrations, even the possibility of being together.
But now I’m torn: Are my feelings for her real, or is this just the excitement of the affair?
My wife and I were already in a rough patch before this started, but I don’t want to blow up my life (and others’) over something that might just be a fantasy.
Part of me wonders if this could be a fresh start, but another part fears I’m mistaking secrecy and passion for something deeper.
How do I figure out what’s real before making any irreversible decisions?
You’re not “torn.” You’re hiding. You’ve been having an affair with your friend’s wife for eight months. That’s not a lapse in judgment. That’s a full-time betrayal. You’re not just lying to your wife—you’re lying to yourself. You’ve built a fantasy world where pain feels like passion, where infidelity feels like connection, and where ducking out feels like some noble form of soul-searching. It’s not.
Let’s be real: you’re playing with nuclear fire. This is not a “fresh start.” It’s a slow-motion explosion that will shatter at least four lives—and possibly kids, extended families, and friendships. You don’t need more time in the affair to figure out if it’s real. You need to get out of it, immediately. Full stop. No more meetings. No more texts. Block. Delete. Confess.
Then, you need to face your wife like a man. Tell her the truth. Own every bit of the hurt you’ve caused. Don’t spin it. Don’t dump blame on your “rough patch.” Do the terrifying, grown-up work of cleaning up your mess.
If your marriage has any shot at healing, it will be through radical honesty and professional help—marriage counseling, individual therapy, both. If it’s over, you still owe her the dignity of ending it before hopping into something new.
And as for your affair partner? You’re not in love. You’re trauma bonding. You’re two people escaping pain, not building anything real. The chemistry you feel is probably just the thrill of being seen again—but that’s not love. That’s just a dopamine high.
You want to be a man of integrity? Start now. Burn the fantasy to the ground. Apologize. Get help. Build a life you’re proud of—whether that’s repairing your marriage or starting over alone, clean.
This is your fork in the road. Choose courage. Choose truth. The rest is just noise.