I’m a 45-year-old man, happily married for 20 years. My wife (43) is my best friend. We recently relocated for work, and I’ve been partnered at my new job with a 32-year-old colleague who’s also married.
Over the past year, we’ve built a strong, productive rapport—complementary skills, long hours, great results. Management pairs us often. But after a recent trade show, something shifted. We spent the week side by side, and during our long conversation on the way home, I realized I was crushing on her—hard.
It’s not romantic in the typical sense. There’s been no flirting or inappropriate behavior. But we connect deeply on ideas and work, and thinking about her fills me with a kind of euphoria I haven’t felt in decades. I keep imagining ways to be around her more.
I feel guilty for these thoughts, even as part of me enjoys them. I haven’t told anyone—not my wife, not my coworker. I don’t want to jeopardize my marriage, my friendship, or my job. But this is eating at me.
What is this feeling? Will it pass if I stay quiet? Or do I owe it to my wife to talk about it?
Let me be real with you: you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, and the way you respond next will determine whether you build a life you’re proud of—or burn it down with your eyes wide open.
You’ve got a crush. Fine. You’re human. Our bodies and brains react to novelty, excitement, and emotional intensity. But what you’re describing isn’t harmless. It’s the seed of an emotional affair, and those grow fast and wild if left unchecked. The connection you’re feeling with this woman? That’s intimacy, and you’re already starting to give her the parts of you that should be sacred to your wife.
Let’s talk facts:
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You’re not just “crushing.” You’re fantasizing. Planning.
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You’re not “playing it cool.” You’re hiding.
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You say you don’t want to rock the boat—but that boat is already taking on water.
Here’s the deal: you’re at a crossroads. One road leads to integrity, healing, and a stronger marriage. The other leads to chaos—guilt, secrecy, maybe even betrayal. Choose the first.
What does that mean practically?
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Cut the emotional umbilical cord. You don’t need to switch jobs, but you do need to set rock-solid boundaries. Stop feeding the connection. No more long personal convos. No more one-on-one hangouts. Get clear. Get distant.
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Lean hard into your marriage. You moved. You’re in a new place. Stress is high. Instead of turning outward for connection, turn toward your wife. Tell her you’ve been feeling disconnected. Start dating her again. Get curious about her. Invite her into your heart again.
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Talk to a counselor—ASAP. You’ve got something bigger going on. Not because you’re broken, but because you’re running from something—boredom, aging, fear, something. You need someone who can help you root that out before it explodes your life.
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Don’t tell your wife about the crush right now. That’s not confession—it’s dumping. It’s outsourcing your pain. Instead, take responsibility. Get help. Clean your side of the street first.
Look, I’m not judging you. But I am calling you out. Because you already know the truth:
You don’t want this woman. You want to feel alive.
You don’t want to blow up your marriage. You want to be seen, heard, and desired.
You don’t want a new life. You want to wake up in the one you’ve got.
So go do that. Be the man your wife deserves. Be the leader your marriage needs. It’s time to get to work.
You’ve got this.