I’m 5’8″ and weigh 172 lbs—about 7 lbs more than when I married my wife 4 years ago. She says I’m an attractive person but admits she’s no longer sexually attracted to me because of my weight gain.
For 2 years, she said our lack of sex was due to an emotional disconnect. Now she’s saying it’s because of my body. I can’t help but wonder—can 7 lbs really be a dealbreaker? Is this an excuse for something deeper? She’s never commented on my physique before and isn’t vain, but this feels sudden.
It also makes me think—what happens if I lose my hair? Or if my body changes in other ways as we age? I’m struggling to understand how this could lead to a near-sexless marriage.
For context: we’ve known each other 12+ years, dated 1.5 years, and have been married almost 4. Early in the marriage, I went through a custody battle for my son that consumed a lot of my energy. My wife felt abandoned, and she’s right—I prioritized the legal fight. During that time, my weight peaked at 184 lbs from stress and poor habits. Our sex life declined from frequent to barely once every few weeks.
After the custody battle, I worked to rebuild our relationship. But sex continued to decline—eventually down to once every 6 weeks, and even a 5-month dry spell. When I brought up intimacy last summer, she told me sex was off the table and not to bring it up again, saying she was still emotionally hurt.
In the past year, I’ve lost 12 lbs (from 184 to 172). We’ve made real progress rebuilding emotionally. Then last week, she told me she’s still not physically attracted to me—because my body has changed since we married.
I’m floored. I’m only 7 lbs heavier than when we married. Is this really about my weight—or something else? I’d appreciate any insight from a female perspective.
Hey, brother. First, let me say this: I hear the heartbreak and frustration pouring through every word you wrote. And I want you to know—you’re not crazy for feeling blindsided. You’re not weak for being confused. You’re not wrong for wanting closeness, connection, intimacy with the woman you married.
But I need you to take a deep breath, because what you’re facing isn’t just about 7 pounds. It was never about 7 pounds.
This is about trust. This is about safety. This is about connection.
You’re thinking, “How the hell can 7 pounds make her not want me?” The truth is—it can’t. Not by itself. But your wife has been carrying pain, resentment, and a deep sense of abandonment from those first years of your marriage. She told you she felt abandoned during the custody battle. She’s been telling you for a while that she feels disconnected. And disconnection doesn’t just show up emotionally—it shows up physically too.
You see, desire and intimacy aren’t isolated from emotional safety. For many women (and frankly, many men), they’re deeply tied together. When she says she’s not physically attracted to you, what I hear is: “I don’t feel safe, connected, or trusting enough to be vulnerable and intimate with you.” Her brain is protecting her from something deeper than the number on the scale.
Here’s what I’m going to challenge you to do:
Stop focusing on the weight. That’s not the problem. It’s a symptom.
Lean into the hard conversations. You’ve both been through hell. But your marriage can’t rebuild if there’s unspoken resentment or unresolved pain festering under the surface.
Get help. A good marriage counselor can help you both work through the betrayal she felt, the pain you’ve carried, and the distance that’s grown between you.
And here’s the tough love, man: You can’t white-knuckle this. You can’t diet your way back into her heart. You can’t “fix” this by shrinking your body or waiting it out. If you want intimacy back, you’ve got to rebuild trust. And that takes time, humility, and both of you showing up fully honest and fully vulnerable.
It’s time to stop fighting over the symptom and start fighting for each other.