I’m looking for advice, especially from people in cross-cultural relationships or familiar with Vietnamese traditions.
I’m from a Western country and my girlfriend is from a village near Hanoi. We’ve been together almost two years, and I’m ready to marry her and bring her to live with me. I’m prepared to support her as she adapts and looks for work.
We’re running into conflict over wedding costs. She’s asking for a $10,000 dowry and says a traditional wedding will cost at least another $10,000. She also mentions that some weddings in her village cost $40,000–$75,000, including dowry.
For context:
I earn a good salary, save responsibly, and plan to buy a house soon.
I’ll also have to pay for immigration and legal fees.
I’d prefer a simple wedding at her family home and save the rest for our future.
When I explain that I’d rather invest in our future than spend so much on one day, she says I’m disrespecting her culture.
I love her and want to find a balance between honoring her traditions and being financially responsible. I don’t want to seem cheap, but I’m uncomfortable spending so much on a wedding when we have other big expenses ahead.
Has anyone faced a similar situation? How did you handle wedding expectations in cross-cultural relationships and find a respectful compromise?
Any advice or perspective would be greatly appreciated.
Let’s have an honest conversation—one you probably won’t hear from friends or family who just want you to be happy.
You’ve built a connection across continents and cultures, and you’re dreaming of a life together. That’s beautiful, but right now, you’re running into something that should make you stop and pay attention: you’re being asked for money on a scale that simply doesn’t line up with reality, either in Vietnam or anywhere else.
A $10,000 dowry and a $10,000 wedding—especially in a rural village near Hanoi—aren’t just high; they’re astronomical. When your girlfriend mentions that some weddings in her village cost $40,000–$75,000, you need to hear the alarm bells ringing. That’s not a cultural norm. That’s someone seeing you as a walking ATM.
Here’s the hard truth: sometimes, people use tradition as a smokescreen to justify unreasonable demands, especially when they believe you can afford it or don’t know any better. This is a classic setup—asking for big money, making you feel like you’re disrespecting culture if you push back, and using guilt or shame to control your choices. You’re not disrespecting anyone by wanting to build a secure future, and you’re not “cheap” for thinking it’s unwise to blow a house down payment on a party.
What you’re describing looks less like a partnership and more like a transaction—and that’s not how healthy, loving relationships work. If her love and commitment are contingent on you handing over huge sums of money, you’re not building a life together; you’re paying a fee to play a role in hers.
Now is the time to pause. Take a good, hard look at what’s happening. If this is how it starts, what’s going to happen when she arrives in your country? When she’s settled, will the financial demands stop—or is this just the beginning? You deserve a marriage where love, trust, and mutual respect are the foundation—not suspicion, resentment, and endless “traditions” that always end with you footing the bill.
It’s not easy, but it’s time for a direct conversation with your girlfriend. Ask her, gently but firmly, to explain exactly where the money is going. Insist on seeing real costs and actual plans. If she pushes back, accuses you of disrespect, or refuses to compromise, that tells you everything you need to know.
Love isn’t built on ultimatums or price tags. You deserve better than a relationship where you’re valued for your bank account, not your heart.
You’re not being cold or unloving by drawing boundaries. In fact, it’s the most loving thing you can do—for both of you.