My husband (29M) and I (27F) took in my best friend (22F) and her 3-year-old daughter after she had a bad breakup. We already have three kids—two boys (11 and 7) and a girl (4)—and live in a 3-bedroom, 1.5-bath house.
When my friend moved in, we didn’t set a timeline—just that she’d stay until she was back on her feet. It’s been three months. At first, she and her daughter stayed in the living room, but after a while, I convinced my husband and the boys to let them use the boys’ room. Our daughter moved into our bedroom with us, and my friend took over the boys’ room.
I’ve honestly enjoyed having my best friend here. The kids are more mindful of their space, and it’s been like a long sleepover. We clean together, hang out, and support each other when we’re not working or in school.
But I’ve noticed my husband becoming more withdrawn. He works the most out of all of us—12 to 16 hours a day, 4 or 5 times a week. He’s polite to my friend, thanks her for cooking or cleaning, and sometimes plays with all four kids. But on his days off, he either goes to his dad’s house or takes our kids out without telling me. He’s not spending time with me or the rest of us anymore.
When I try to talk to him about how distant he’s become, he just asks when my friend will be moving out. Honestly, I don’t know—she’s working full-time but it’s tough out there right now, and I feel like it’s safest for her to stay with us for now.
I’m stuck in the middle, and it’s putting a strain on my marriage. I want to do the right thing for everyone, but is that making me the asshole?
Let’s cut through the noise. Right now, your number one job—the thing you signed up for—is to protect your family. That means your marriage, your kids, and the sense of peace and safety in your own home. Everything else is secondary. I know you care about your friend and her little girl, and I’m not saying you need to throw them out in the street. But your first responsibility is to the people under your own roof—the ones you built a life with.
Look, you invited chaos into your home without a plan. You reshuffled bedrooms, changed routines, and turned your house into something your husband barely recognizes. You might see it as one big sleepover, but for him, it’s a daily reminder that his voice and comfort don’t matter. No wonder he’s pulling away. That’s what happens when people feel like they’ve been made an afterthought in their own lives.
Your husband isn’t just “becoming more distant”—he’s waving a flare in the air, telling you he feels pushed aside. You can’t ignore this. If you keep putting your friend’s needs ahead of your own family’s, resentment will poison everything. Your marriage will buckle under the weight, and your kids will feel the fallout, even if you pretend everything is fine.
So here’s what you need to do: put your family first. Have the hard conversation with your husband. Ask him—really ask—how he feels and what he needs to feel at home again. Then set a clear, kind, and non-negotiable timeline with your friend for when she’ll move out. Support her, but do not let your generosity sabotage your own family’s well-being.
You can be compassionate without sacrificing the people you love most. Your friend’s situation matters, but your family’s security and connection have to come first. That’s not selfish—it’s what real leadership and real love look like. Step up and make the call. Your family is counting on you.