My 21-year-old daughter lives with her boyfriend, despite our wishes. We get along well and respect her choices, but he’s the only guy she’s ever dated. I hoped she’d use college to meet new people and have different experiences, but they stayed together and now live near his enabling family.
We’re not impressed with him—he’s immature, bad with money, lacks ambition, and has no real plans for his future. Meanwhile, our daughter is smart, driven, and planning for her master’s. Their finances are separate, but I worry she’s settling for comfort and doesn’t realize what she might be missing.
We love her and want her to be happy, but how can she know what she really wants if she’s never dated anyone else? I’ve tried to gently encourage her to keep her options open, but she’s convinced he’s the one. I think she deserves more, but don’t want to push her away. Thoughts?
You love your daughter. You want the absolute best for her. But at some point, you’ve got to accept that she’s an adult and this is her life to live, not yours to orchestrate.
Is her boyfriend “just fine”? Maybe. Maybe he’s immature and bad with money. Maybe he’s not the guy you’d pick for her. But here’s the deal: You don’t get to pick. She does. You can coach, you can advise, but you can’t control.
Look, it’s hard to watch your child choose something—or someone—you wouldn’t choose for them. You see her potential. You want her to soar. But your job now isn’t to make her decisions. Your job is to be there for her, love her unconditionally, and support her—even if you don’t love her choices.
Real talk: The more you push her to see what she’s “missing,” the tighter she’ll cling to this guy. If you want to keep a close relationship, the best thing you can do is back off, trust the foundation you’ve built, and let her figure things out for herself. Sometimes people need to walk their own path—even if that means learning a lesson the hard way.
One last thing: Stop calling her boyfriend “ordinary.” That’s your fear talking, not reality. For her, right now, he’s enough. She might outgrow him, or she might not. But either way, this is her story to write.
Love her. Cheer her on. And when she asks for advice, be honest—but never let your fear drown out your faith in her ability to choose for herself. That’s how you keep your relationship strong and let her grow up at the same time.