My wife had an ex she used to talk about all the time when we were dating. I knew everything about him—even random details. At first, she told me they broke up because he was a jerk, but really it was because he wasn’t ready to settle down.
Even after a year together, she kept bringing him up. Eventually, I lost it and told her I didn’t want to hear about him anymore. Then I found out she still had his contact info and cute photos of them saved on her phone. She said it was just so she could ask about travel details from trips they took together.
That didn’t sit right with me, especially since she always wanted to check my phone and started drama over my old photos with an ex. To keep the peace, I deleted my old photos.
Lately, I’ve been suspicious of her behavior and checked her phone. I found she had renamed her ex’s contact to hide it from me. When I confronted her, she admitted it but insisted she needed the info for “future travel questions.” She pretended to delete and block him, but instead, she sent his contact details to a friend.
Honestly, I feel like this is sneaky and disrespectful. Am I wrong for being upset, or is this crossing a line?
Alright, let’s just call it for what it is: this is not about old travel plans or random contact info. This is about trust, respect, and honesty in a marriage—three things you don’t have right now.
Look, relationships can survive all kinds of weird, messy pasts. But they can’t survive ongoing secrets, constant comparisons, and double standards. Your wife spent a year making her ex a third wheel in your relationship. She downplayed, hid, and flat-out lied about her contact with him. Then, when you called her out, she doubled down—lying again and sending the info to a friend, just to keep it close.
Let me be crystal clear: that’s not normal. That’s not “just being friends” or “being organized.” That’s a massive red flag. And the kicker is, she’s got the nerve to police your phone and shame you for having old pictures, all while she’s hiding and scheming behind your back. That’s emotional manipulation, plain and simple.
You are not being “juvenile” for being upset. You’re reacting like any sane, self-respecting person would. The foundation of any healthy relationship is trust. You don’t have that right now. You’ve been gaslit into thinking your feelings are the problem—when really, the problem is that she won’t be honest or transparent with you.
So, what now? You’ve got to get brutally honest with yourself about what you want and what you’re willing to tolerate. This isn’t just about an old boyfriend anymore; it’s about whether you and your wife can build a relationship where you both feel safe, seen, and respected. That’s not possible as long as there are lies and secret contacts.
You need to have a hard, honest conversation with her—not about travel plans, but about trust and boundaries. Lay it all out. If she can’t own up and change, you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of marriage you’re willing to sign up for.
You deserve honesty. You deserve respect. And you shouldn’t have to beg for either.