Almost two years ago, my (35M) marriage was on the brink of divorce after my wife (34F) had an affair. She moved out nearly a year ago, leaving me and the kids, and her affair was my breaking point.
Recently, things between us have improved, and we’ve even discussed her moving back in. But I’ve made it clear: rebuilding trust is key, and she can’t have any contact with her affair partner.
Here’s my dilemma: We’ve stayed on the same phone plan, and I set up alerts for calls to her affair partner’s number. In the past two days, I got six notifications of calls between them—some lasting over an hour. She denies making any calls, but I have the alerts as proof. I haven’t been able to reach the carrier yet to confirm if it’s a system error.
Do I give her the benefit of the doubt, or treat this as a serious breach of trust and consider ending things for good?
You’re living in surveillance mode, setting up call alerts and tracking your wife’s every move. That’s not marriage, that’s security detail. And I get why you’re doing it—you’ve been burned, hard. But if you need to police her phone to feel safe, you already know deep down: the trust is shot.
You gave her a simple boundary—no contact with the affair partner. Six calls, some over an hour, and she’s playing dumb? You don’t need a detective to figure out what that means. If it was truly a tech glitch, she’d be fighting just as hard as you to clear it up, not just shrugging it off.
Look, you’ve got kids, a home, and the hope for something better. But let’s not confuse hope with self-delusion. You deserve a partner who’s all-in, not someone who keeps you on the back burner and lies straight to your face.
So, what now? Stop torturing yourself. Have one last, brutally honest conversation with her. Tell her you’re done living like this. If she can’t give you real answers and real commitment, then you need to walk away—no more “benefit of the doubt,” no more “maybe the phone company messed up.”
Your kids deserve a dad who stands up for himself. And you deserve a life where you can breathe—where you’re not always checking the phone log and waiting for the next betrayal.
This is hard, but you’re strong enough to do what’s right. Choose respect. Choose honesty. Even if it means walking away.