I’m a 30F who’s been with my 39M boyfriend for 8 years. We don’t want kids and have both always agreed on wanting to get married. We’ve lived together for 4.5 years. I brought up getting engaged at the 4-year mark, but he said it wasn’t the right time due to work and wanting to marry within a year of getting engaged. Each year since, I’ve brought up engagement, and he always has a reason to delay—work, timing, pressure about the proposal, etc.
Last year, he even said he’d rather skip the proposal and go straight to the wedding. I started looking at venues, but he shut that down too, telling me to ask again in 6 months (I waited 12, because he was injured). Lately, he’s brought up new issues with me (like my hobbies and priorities), and problems I thought we’d already resolved. I started individual therapy because I’m beginning to feel like I’m not enough.
In couples therapy last week, I shared my concerns about his reluctance to commit. He got defensive, said he dreads the proposal but wants to be married to me, and would go to the courthouse tomorrow—but he won’t propose. Even when I suggested a simple proposal at home, he still had excuses.
Our therapist suggested focusing on marriage itself, but I’m frustrated. I appreciate that he says he wants to marry me, but I feel hurt that he’s dreading the proposal and won’t even try, even though I’ve made it clear it’s important to me. Now, anything I do towards planning feels like I’m forcing him.
How should I move forward? Skipping the proposal and just going to the courthouse doesn’t feel right, but maybe I need to adjust my expectations. At the same time, I don’t think he’ll take initiative. I see other couples happy without a proposal, but I also get advice to leave. Friends are split—some say let it go, others say he’s on thin ice. I’m looking for honest and kind advice. Thank you!
You’ve been with this man for eight years. For most of your thirties. That’s a long time to invest in someone who, based on everything you’ve shared, keeps moving the finish line every time you get close. At every turn, there’s a new reason: work is busy, proposal pressure, not the right time, your hobbies, his old baggage. If you asked him next week, there would probably be another excuse.
Let’s call it what it is: He doesn’t want to do this. Not in the way that matters to you.
He says he wants to be married, but he dreads the proposal. He says he’d go to the courthouse, but he won’t take any real steps on his own. He’s putting the emotional labor on you—again and again—to push this relationship forward. That’s not partnership. That’s avoidance. That’s keeping you in limbo, while he drags his feet and you keep working harder to make it work.
And here’s the hardest truth: You are not too much. You’re not “not enough.” You are someone who is clear about what you want. And right now, you’re shrinking yourself, tiptoeing around his feelings, starting therapy to “work on yourself”—when HE is the one refusing to step up and commit.
You can’t change him. You can’t out-therapy him. You can’t contort yourself small enough to make him suddenly become the partner you deserve.
So here’s what I’d tell my own sister, or a best friend: Stop waiting. Stop making yourself smaller so he can feel comfortable. You need to decide—are you okay living the rest of your life always being the one to nudge this relationship forward, while he resents or avoids every milestone you care about? Are you okay with a partner who only acts when pushed, who refuses to meet you halfway, who “dreads” making you feel loved and wanted?
Because you deserve a partner who is as excited to choose you as you are to choose them. Someone who doesn’t see celebrating your commitment as a chore or a source of anxiety, but as an honor.
So, take a deep breath and ask yourself: If nothing ever changed, would you still want this life? If you never got the proposal, never got the sense of being chosen—would this be enough for you? Or are you just hoping he’ll eventually become the man you need?
This is your life. You only get one. Don’t spend it waiting for someone else to show up.
You’re worthy of a full-hearted, enthusiastic YES from your partner—not a reluctant, dragged-out “fine, let’s just go to the courthouse.” That’s not love. That’s settling. And you deserve better.
You know what you want. Don’t be afraid to go after it—even if it means leaving someone who doesn’t have the guts to step up. I promise you, the pain of letting go is nothing compared to the pain of living small for the rest of your life.
You’ve got this. And I’m rooting for you.