My younger brother (29M) has always been a disaster. He’s creative and “finding himself,” but he can’t hold a job for more than a year, racks up credit card debt, and bounces between short-term apartments and random “business ideas.” My parents constantly made excuses—“He’s got a good heart,” “He just needs more time”—and let him get away with everything.
A few years back, Jeff got in deep—he took out predatory loans for some “can’t-miss” investment that totally flopped. Suddenly, he was facing legal threats, about to lose his apartment and car, desperate for help. My parents said they couldn’t help more, so the pressure fell on me. They basically guilted me into draining the down payment I’d saved for years to bail him out—no repayment, just a “family helps family” deal. They told me if I didn’t, he’d be out on the street.
He said thanks, but nothing changed. He’s still floating between temp jobs, running up credit cards, talking about “the next big thing.” He hits me up for “emergency” cash—$100 here, $200 there—like I’m his safety net. He doesn’t seem to realize what I gave up: I had to put my own dreams of buying a place on hold, and my savings took a hit I’m still recovering from.
My parents act like I’m some hero for bailing him out, but now they just expect me to handle any new problem. They don’t want to talk about how angry I am, or how unfair this is. Jeff lives in his own world, totally oblivious to the damage left in his wake.
I love him, but I resent him for what he’s done to my life—and I resent my parents for making me sacrifice so much to clean up his mess. I worked hard to build a stable future, but all it took was their guilt and his recklessness to blow it up. And I feel like I’m the only one who really sees it.
Listen, you love your brother. That’s obvious. But loving someone doesn’t mean letting them use you as their financial safety net or allowing your life to be wrecked by their chaos. At some point, real love is about boundaries. And boundaries aren’t about punishing him—they’re about protecting you.
Let’s be clear: Your parents will not change. Your brother will not magically become responsible as long as everyone keeps catching him before he hits the ground. If you don’t draw the line, they’ll keep pushing. If you keep bailing him out, he’ll keep coming back, and your parents will keep patting you on the back for “saving the day” while you’re drowning.
You have every right to be angry. You have every right to say NO from now on. Your money is yours. Your future is yours. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself.
So here’s my advice:
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Stop giving him money. You don’t have to announce it with fireworks—just stop.
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Tell your parents you’re done being the bailout plan. They can think whatever they want, but you’re not on the hook for your brother’s life choices anymore.
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Get support for yourself. If you’re not already in therapy, consider it—because this kind of family dynamic can eat you alive if you don’t have some backup.
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Release yourself from the guilt. The only thing you “owe” your family is honesty and healthy boundaries.
It’s not your job to keep fixing what they keep breaking. You’ve done more than enough. Now it’s time to take your life—and your power—back.
You’ve got this. And you’re not alone.