I’m carrying a heavy weight from a decision I made about a year ago, and I don’t know how to let it go.
I remarried a few years back. I have an older son from my first marriage, and together with my husband, we have two young daughters. My husband and my son just never meshed—there was constant tension, and my husband always seemed harsher with him than with the girls. He’d say I was too lenient, and it felt like my son and husband were always at odds.
Eventually, things got so tense at home that, after a lot of painful conversations, I agreed to let my son go live with my sister. She’s close by and loves him, and it seemed like the healthiest option for everyone, especially for my son. But deep down, I feel like I picked my husband and our “new” family over my own child.
My son is now finishing high school and seems to be thriving. My marriage, too, is in a much better place—my husband is present with the girls, supportive of my career, and more engaged in family life than he ever was before. But I can’t escape the guilt. Sometimes I wonder if my son will always feel pushed out or less important. I also find myself feeling resentful toward my husband for not making more of an effort to include my son, and even toward myself for going along with it.
How do I move forward from here? Is it possible to heal this rift with my son and forgive myself for the choices I made? And how do I stop quietly resenting my husband for a situation that, at the end of the day, we both allowed to happen?
Let’s call this what it is: you’re grieving a decision that you knew deep down was going to hurt, and now you’re living with the fallout. You love your son. You love your new family. You tried to pick the lesser evil in an impossible situation and now you’re stuck in the emotional hangover that comes with it.
Here’s the brutal truth: when you choose a partner over your kid—even if it feels justified in the moment, even if your intentions were good, even if the household was on the verge of chaos—you are sending your child a message that he’s expendable. You can dress it up as “best for his mental health,” or “peace for the family,” but kids know what’s really going on. They can feel it in their bones. And that wound? It doesn’t go away just because things seem smoother at home now.
You want to know how to heal this? You have to own it. No more sugarcoating, no more rationalizing. Call your son. Take him to lunch. Look him in the eye and say, “I’m sorry. I should’ve fought harder for you. I put other people ahead of you when you needed me most, and I regret that. I love you, and I want to rebuild this if you’re willing.” That’s where this starts—not with vague guilt, but with real accountability. Kids don’t need a perfect parent. They need a parent who will show up, tell the truth, and keep showing up.
Now, about your husband—let’s not pretend he’s blameless here. He created a dynamic where you felt you had to choose. He’s your partner, but if he made you pick him over your own flesh and blood, that’s a flashing red light that he’s either missing some core empathy or is flat-out self-absorbed. You can love him, but you also need to look him in the eye and tell him what this choice cost you, and what it’s going to take to actually be a united family—not just on his terms.
And as for forgiving yourself? That comes after you’ve done the hard work: honest conversations, showing up for your son, setting new boundaries with your husband, and maybe, just maybe, seeking out a therapist who can help you sort out where your voice got lost in all of this.
Stop hoping time will smooth this over. It won’t. You have to walk straight into the mess you helped create. That’s the only way through. You don’t get to just wish the guilt away. You have to earn your peace back, one honest conversation at a time.
You’re not broken, and you’re not doomed. But you have to be braver than you’ve been so far. Start today.