I’m 22 and, honestly, feeling pretty hopeless about dating and relationships. I’ve spent most of my life trying to “fix” myself—therapy since I was a kid, working out, trying to dress better, pushing myself to socialize, and even getting a degree. I’m autistic, have attention and memory issues, and I’m also a minority where I live. I don’t say this to ask for pity, just to explain how I feel like an outsider everywhere, not just in dating.
Despite all my efforts, nothing seems to change. I’ve never been in a real relationship. I had a couple of short situationships in high school and college, but nothing that lasted or felt real. I’m still a virgin, which I know shouldn’t matter, but it does make me feel ashamed and behind everyone else. Sometimes it feels like there are just some people for whom relationships come naturally, and I’m not one of them.
I keep being told to focus on self-improvement, but after years of doing that, I haven’t seen any results. It’s hard not to feel like I’ll always be on the outside looking in. I want a partner—ideally, a best friend I can share my life with—but I’m starting to wonder if that’s even possible for me. Sometimes I wish I could just switch off the part of me that wants connection, because wanting something you can’t have is its own kind of pain.
Is there actually hope for people like me, or should I just accept that this isn’t in the cards? I’d appreciate any honest advice—especially from someone who gets what it’s like to feel fundamentally different.
Before I say anything else, let’s get this straight: your pain, your exhaustion, your loneliness—it’s real. And you’re not crazy for feeling it.
I see a lot of people telling you “just work on yourself and the rest will follow.” I know you’re tired of that line. The truth is, sometimes life isn’t fair. Sometimes you can do all the “right” things—therapy, self-care, education, exercise—and still end up on the outside looking in. And that hurts. You’ve fought for so long just to be okay, and it feels like you’re still stuck in the same spot. That can wear you down.
But here’s the thing: There are two truths you’ve got to hold at the same time.
First:
You are worthy of connection and love—not because you’ve “fixed” yourself or ticked every box, but simply because you’re human. I know it doesn’t always feel that way, especially when your brain (and sometimes the world) tells you otherwise. But you don’t have to be “normal” to be worthy. The idea that only certain people are “eligible” for love is a myth. Yes, some people have it easier. That doesn’t mean you’re fundamentally broken or left behind for good.
Second:
No one—and I mean no one—can promise you that doing X, Y, and Z will lead to a relationship, a partner, or a family. Life doesn’t work that way. And if you’re chasing that outcome as a measure of your worth, it’s going to leave you feeling empty and bitter every time. Relationships are messy, unpredictable, and unfair sometimes. It’s not a vending machine—put in enough coins and love pops out.
But here’s what I do know: You’re not just a project to be fixed. You’re not a math equation waiting for the right answer. You’re a living, breathing person—someone who brings value to the world in ways that might not show up on a dating app or in someone else’s Instagram highlight reel.
So what now?
I want you to get honest with yourself about what you actually want—and what you need to feel alive right now, not just someday when things “click.” Instead of focusing on the giant, overwhelming goal of a romantic partner, ask yourself:
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What makes me curious?
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Where do I feel seen or understood, even a little bit?
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What are the tiny, everyday moments where I lose myself—in a good way?
I’m not going to lie to you: Sometimes the road ahead is slow and lonely. But connection—real connection—doesn’t always look like what you expect. It might start with one good friend, a community that gets you, or just a space where you can show up as yourself without apologizing.
You deserve more than just survival. You deserve a life filled with meaning, purpose, and people who see the real you. That road is rarely easy, especially when you’re fighting battles others don’t see. But it is possible.
And finally, give yourself some grace. Shame will eat you alive if you let it. You are not the sum of your romantic successes or failures. You’re enough—right now, as you are.
Keep fighting. Keep reaching out. The world needs what only you can bring.
You’re not alone. Not even close.