We’ve been married for nine years—thirteen together—and honestly, everything we’ve been through has just worn me down to the point where I don’t even like her anymore.
Whenever she calls, I cringe. I put on a fake smile, and trying to act interested when we talk just feels gross. The truth is, I feel more at peace when she’s not around. But at the same time, I think I still love her… I’m not sure if it’s just because we’ve been together so long or if I’m clinging to the version of her I used to know.
It’s confusing, this mix of love and resentment.
Hey, thanks for being honest and putting this out there. I know it probably wasn’t easy to say, even behind a screen. Here’s the truth: you’re not broken or bad for feeling this way. A lot of people find themselves in a marriage years down the road and realize they just don’t like the person they’re with anymore. Sometimes you’re holding onto the memory of who they were, or who you both used to be together, and sometimes it’s just the sheer gravity of everything you’ve both gone through—old fights, disappointments, distance—that leaves you feeling stuck and empty.
Let’s get really honest. When you’re cringing at a phone call or faking your way through conversations, that’s your body screaming for change. Not necessarily divorce, not necessarily to burn it all down, but for something to be different. You can’t fake it forever—not for yourself, and not for her. And yeah, you probably still love her on some level, but love without respect, without friendship, without actually liking each other? That’s just survival mode.
Here’s what I’d tell you if you were sitting across from me: Stop hiding from it. Stop pretending it’ll just get better if you keep swallowing your feelings. You owe it to yourself—and to her, honestly—to name what’s real, and then do something about it. That could mean counseling together, or maybe even on your own to figure out what you actually want and need. It could mean having some brutally honest conversations. It could mean working on rebuilding that friendship from the ground up, or, if you can’t, making some hard decisions about what comes next.
You get one shot at this life, man. You deserve to feel peace in your own home. She does too. You’re not crazy, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to keep living like this. But it’s on you to take the first step. Don’t wait for it to magically get better—start the hard work now.