Let’s just call it what it is: most of us are terrible at listening—especially when our spouse or partner sits us down and says those words nobody wants to hear: “Can we talk?” Suddenly your chest tightens, your mind races, and you start constructing a wall of defenses before you even know what’s coming. You want to explain yourself. You want to fix it. Or, honestly, you just want the conversation to end so you can go back to pretending everything’s fine.
But here’s the truth: if you want your relationship to be healthy—if you want trust, safety, and real connection—you’ve got to learn how to actually listen when your partner tells you what they need. Not “listen so you can rebut.” Not “listen so you can win.”
Listen so you can understand.
Here’s how you do that:
1. Take a Breath and Get Out of Your Own Way
The minute your partner brings up something they need, your brain is going to want to make it about you. “Am I failing?” “Am I not enough?” “Here we go again…” That’s your fear talking. Hit the brakes. Take a breath.
Remind yourself: This is about them, not you.
Your only job right now? Listen.
2. Don’t Turn It Into a Courtroom
When your partner says, “I wish you’d spend more time with me in the evenings,” don’t turn it into Exhibit A for Why You’re Not a Bad Person. This isn’t a trial. Your partner isn’t your accuser.
They’re trying to pull you closer, not push you away.
So, instead of lawyering up, just sit in it. Hear what they’re saying—even if it stings a little. You don’t have to agree with every detail, but you do have to respect their courage for saying it out loud.
3. Stop Fixing, Start Hearing
Look, I get it. You want to fix things. Most of us do. But most of the time, your partner doesn’t want a three-point plan or a life hack—they want to know you get it. That you’re with them. That they’re not alone.
Try this instead:
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Ask, “Help me understand what that means for you.”
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Say, “Tell me more about what that would look like.”
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And then—shut up and listen.
You’d be amazed how powerful those words are.
4. Say Back What You Heard
This isn’t about parroting. This is about making sure you understood what they actually said—not what your fears heard.
Try:
“So what I’m hearing is that you feel disconnected when we don’t talk after dinner. Is that right?”
If you get it wrong, no shame—just ask again. The goal isn’t to be perfect. The goal is to be present.
5. Validate, Even If You Don’t Agree
Validation doesn’t mean you’re promising anything, or that you’re admitting to being the World’s Worst Partner. It means you care about how they feel.
You can say:
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“That makes sense to me.”
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“I appreciate you telling me.”
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“I can see why you’d feel that way.”
That’s it. You’re just holding space for their experience.
6. Only Then, Talk About Next Steps
Here’s the part most people skip: After you’ve listened—really listened—you can talk about what comes next. Maybe you’ll change something, maybe you’ll negotiate, maybe you’ll just let it sit for a while. But don’t rush to this step. Trust is built in those moments of listening, not solving.
Bottom Line
Listening isn’t a passive thing. It’s work. It’s choosing, over and over, to set down your own story so you can make room for someone else’s. If you can do that—even when it’s hard—you’ll have a relationship that can weather just about anything.
And hey, if you screw it up (and you will, because you’re human), own it. Apologize. And try again. That’s what real love looks like.\