You can be right, or you can be close. But rarely both at the same time. That’s a tough truth a lot of us, especially those of us who pride ourselves on being sharp or quick-witted, need to sit with.
See, most of us grew up in a culture obsessed with winning. We’re taught to keep score, to argue our side, to fight for the last word. And if you’re in a relationship—romantic, family, friends, doesn’t matter—sooner or later, you start to see your partner as the opponent. The battle lines get drawn over who left the milk out, who forgot the anniversary, or who’s been working harder. Suddenly, you’re not on the same team anymore. You’re trying to win.
But here’s the reality: every time you “win” an argument with your partner, you’re also losing something much more important—connection, trust, and intimacy. The stuff that actually makes a relationship worth fighting for in the first place.
The Trap of Being Right
Look, I get it. There’s something almost intoxicating about being right. It feels good in the moment—like you’ve proven your point, secured your place, evened the score. But that rush fades fast. And what you’re left with is a partner who feels dismissed, misunderstood, or just plain exhausted. Trust me, I’ve counseled enough couples to know this never leads to a happy ending.
Here’s what I want you to hear: The point of a relationship isn’t to keep score—it’s to keep close.
Why Love Isn’t About the Last Word
When you prioritize love over winning, you start asking different questions:
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Instead of, “How do I prove I’m right?” you ask, “How do we understand each other better?”
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Instead of, “How do I get the last word?” you ask, “How can I make my partner feel safe, heard, and valued?”
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Instead of, “How do I win this round?” you ask, “How do we both walk away feeling connected?”
The relationship isn’t a debate to be won—it’s a home to be built, day by day.
Humility Is Your Superpower
Here’s what strong, lasting relationships have in common: humility. The courage to say, “I was wrong,” or, “I don’t know,” or, “Help me understand where you’re coming from.” Humility doesn’t mean rolling over and ignoring your own needs. It means choosing the relationship over your own ego. It means leaning in, especially when you want to pull away.
Let me say it plainly: If you win the fight but lose your partner’s trust, you’ve lost.
Practice the Pause
The next time you feel the heat rising, and you’re ready to unload your arsenal of facts and logic, try this instead: Pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself, “What matters most right now—being right, or being close?” Nine times out of ten, you’ll find it’s the connection you’re really craving.
And when you screw this up (because you will—we all do), own it. Apologize. Repair. That’s where real strength and love live.
You’re On the Same Team
At the end of the day, your partner isn’t your adversary. They’re not the obstacle to your happiness—they’re your teammate in the messy, beautiful, challenging work of life. When you shift your mindset from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem,” everything changes. Winning stops mattering so much, because you realize you’re building something far better than a record of victories. You’re building a life—together.
So here’s the challenge: Choose love over winning. Not just once, but every single day. Your relationship—and your heart—will be stronger for it.