My wife recently told me she wants to have dinner alone with one of my close male friends because they “get along well” and she values their friendship. I told her, calmly and respectfully, that I’m not comfortable with that. It’s not about jealousy or a lack of trust—I do trust her. But to me, having one-on-one dinners with someone of the opposite sex (especially a friend of mine) crosses a boundary I believe should be mutually respected in a marriage.
What really stings is that she made plans before even talking to me about it. It wasn’t a conversation—it was a decision. That made me feel like my feelings weren’t considered at all.
There’s also a double standard here. She’s told me before that she wouldn’t be okay with me hanging out one-on-one with her friends, and I’ve always respected that. Honestly, I wouldn’t be comfortable having dinner alone with any of my friends’ wives or girlfriends, out of respect for both of them. It just feels like something you don’t do—especially without a discussion first.
Now I feel stuck. I’ve shared my feelings, but she’s still set on going. I’ve started to withdraw emotionally—not to be manipulative, but because I don’t feel heard or emotionally safe. Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way, or is my reaction valid?
You need to sit down with your wife and have a brutally honest conversation. Tell her: “This isn’t about jealousy or insecurity. This is about respect—yours for me, mine for you, and both of ours for our marriage. When I tell you something is a hard boundary for me and you go ahead anyway, you’re telling me loud and clear that my feelings and the health of our marriage don’t matter to you. If you choose to prioritize this dinner over my trust, you’re putting this marriage at risk. I won’t just let this go and pretend everything is fine. If you move forward with this, I’ll be pulling away emotionally, and I’ll have to seriously reconsider what this marriage means to me.”
Let her sit with that. This is not about controlling her or making ultimatums—it’s about demanding the basic respect and consideration that a marriage requires.
Now, about your friend:
You need to call him, too. If he knows you and your wife are married and still thinks it’s appropriate to set up one-on-one dinners behind your back, then he’s no friend to you. Tell him directly: “This crosses a line. I’m not okay with it. As my friend, you should respect my marriage, and this isn’t it.” If he’s married or in a relationship, his partner deserves to know about this too.
Bottom line:
Your wife is the one you’re building a life with, and your marriage only works if both of you put it first. If she won’t respect your boundaries, and your friend won’t respect your marriage, then you need to ask yourself some tough questions about who you want in your inner circle.
You’re not being controlling. You’re not overreacting. You’re demanding respect—and you’re absolutely right to do so. Stand firm. Your marriage deserves it.