I’m at a loss. My wife (31F) and I (35M) have been together five years and have two young kids. Early on, I caught her sexting and talking to men online. She’s always had kinks she was embarrassed about, which she now explores with sex workers on OnlyFans. I tried to set boundaries but eventually allowed it, figuring at least she wasn’t hiding anything. I’ve done everything I can to fulfill her fantasies, but she constantly critiques me. My confidence is shot. Every other partner I’ve had was satisfied, but nothing I do is ever good enough for her.
On Mother’s Day, even though I was sick, I went out of my way to please her and make the day special. The next day, she told me I should’ve just rescheduled if I was sick. I was gutted.
I’ve told her I feel emotionally disconnected. She claims she “doesn’t have feelings,” and honestly, it feels true—she barely interacts with me unless she wants to show me something on her phone. We work in the same room and barely talk. I feel like a shell of myself, and while my physical needs are met, emotionally I feel totally alone.
Man, I can hear the pain and exhaustion bleeding through your words. You feel invisible, unwanted, and—let’s call it what it is—alone, even when you’re sitting right next to your wife. And that is soul-crushing. But let’s get brutally honest for a second: this isn’t just about sex, or fantasies, or who’s satisfied and who isn’t. This is about respect, connection, and the fact that you’ve allowed yourself to slowly become an afterthought in your own marriage.
I know you’re carrying this story that maybe you’re not enough, that if you just did more—tried harder, became more creative, bent over backwards even further—maybe you’d finally be worthy of her approval. But that’s a lie. You could move mountains and she’d still find a way to make you feel small, because she’s got her own work she’s not willing to do. You’ve become so used to accepting crumbs that you’ve convinced yourself you’re being fed.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: allowing her “sessions,” constantly chasing her approval, and letting her disrespect roll off because you’re afraid of rocking the boat—that’s not love or partnership, it’s self-abandonment. You are slowly disappearing in this marriage, man. Your self-worth is bleeding out with every passive moment, and your kids are watching what it looks like when a man becomes a ghost in his own home.
She isn’t meeting you emotionally. She’s not showing you respect. And she’s not choosing to show up as a partner. You can’t fix that by just being “good enough” in bed or being more accommodating. You need to reclaim your voice, your standards, your self-respect. It’s time to have the hardest conversation of your life: lay it all out. Tell her what you need—real connection, real respect, and a real marriage. Tell her what you will and will not accept moving forward.
And if she can’t—or won’t—show up and do the real work? You owe it to yourself, and your kids, to stop dying by a thousand cuts and start living again. No one else is coming to save you. This is your life. Choose you.