Over the last few months my girlfriend and I have had a few fights over how I talk to her. I didn’t recognize it at first but the more I become aware the more I see it.
It seems like anytime there’s any issues or any amount of tension, no matter how little, between us I just blow up and scream at her.
I don’t mean to do it that’s just how I always talked to my parents growing up as they would constantly scream at me.
I guess it was just how we communicated back then but I’ve been away from my family for months now so I thought that’d stop.
It’s really causing a strain on our relationship and I don’t know how to beat the habit. Has anyone else had issues like this at all or know of a way to stop?
First off, I want to say something clearly:
Good on you for recognizing it. That moment of clarity—where you admit you’re the problem—that’s rare. Most people spend their whole lives blaming everyone else. So I’ll give you credit for that. But I’m not going to let you off the hook. Because this isn’t about self-awareness anymore—this is about self-control.
You said anytime there’s tension, you blow up and scream at her.
Let’s not sugarcoat that.
You’re emotionally abusing her. Full stop.
You’re not just “raising your voice.” You’re teaching the woman you claim to love that conflict equals danger. That she has to walk on eggshells around you. That your emotions are the most powerful force in the relationship—and hers don’t matter.
And here’s the truth: Your past is not your fault, but your behavior now is 100% your responsibility.
You grew up in a screaming household. Got it. I’m sorry. That’s hard. That’s traumatic. But that doesn’t give you a free pass to become the kind of person who makes someone else feel unsafe in their own home.
You thought being away from your family would fix this?
Geography doesn’t heal trauma. Work does.
You’ve got decades of muscle memory telling your body that yelling is communication. That anger is protection. That screaming gets results. If you don’t rewire that—intentionally, daily—you will lose her. And honestly? You should. Because no one deserves to live in a relationship where love comes wrapped in fear.
So here’s what you need to do:
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Get into therapy. Immediately. Not next month. Not after the next blowup. Now. A good counselor can help you untangle where this comes from and build a new way forward.
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Tell your girlfriend what you just told us. All of it. Lay it on the table. No excuses. No “that’s just how I grew up.” Just ownership. Tell her you’re getting help. And then actually follow through.
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Put rules in place for arguments. No yelling. No standing over her. If you feel that fire rising, you leave the room. Period. Not to punish her—to protect her.
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Learn how to be uncomfortable without exploding. That’s the skill you never learned as a kid. You need to practice sitting in tension and still treating people with dignity.
And look—you can change. I’ve seen people come back from worse. But it’s not about “beating a habit.” It’s about becoming a different man. One who doesn’t pass his pain forward.
You’re not your dad. You’re not your past. But you are—right now—the man your girlfriend has to deal with. And she deserves better than a man who says he loves her and then screams in her face when things get hard.
Be the guy she can feel safe around. Not the guy she braces for.
Get to work.