We don’t like to think we’re holding ourselves back. Most of us assume that if we’re stuck in a job we hate, a relationship that drains us, or a cycle of habits we swore we’d break, it’s because of circumstances beyond our control.
But there’s a quieter, more unsettling truth that psychologists and behavioral researchers have studied for decades: Sometimes, we stay stuck because—on some level—it serves us.
And asking yourself “What am I getting out of this?” isn’t self-blame. It’s self-inquiry.
The Familiar Can Feel Safe—Even When It’s Not
In behavioral science, there’s a term called status quo bias. It refers to our tendency to prefer things as they are, even when change might be clearly better for us. In other words, we often choose discomfort over uncertainty.
Maybe staying stuck in a job that exhausts you gives you something that quitting doesn’t: a sense of stability, a known paycheck, or a clear identity. Maybe staying in a relationship that no longer nourishes you means you don’t have to face the loneliness—or the scary freedom—of starting over.
We stay in the loop not because we’re lazy or broken, but because there’s something emotionally familiar about the loop itself. It gives us an excuse, or a shield, or a temporary sense of control.
Secondary Gains: What You Might Be Getting Out of It
Therapists call these hidden upsides “secondary gains.” These are the subtle, often subconscious benefits of a problem that make it hard to let go of.
Here are a few examples:
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Avoidance: Staying stuck can protect you from risking failure. If you never try, you never lose.
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Attention: Struggles can be a way to receive care or validation from others.
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Identity: Pain can become part of how you define yourself. Letting go of it might feel like losing a part of who you are.
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Control: Being stuck can feel safer than entering the chaos of the unknown.
None of these are shameful. In fact, once you name them, they lose some of their power.
Getting Unstuck Starts With Curiosity, Not Force
This isn’t about pushing yourself harder. It’s about gently asking:
What am I afraid might happen if I actually moved forward?
What would I lose if this problem disappeared?
Am I willing to let go of the comfort I’ve built around my discomfort?
Researchers like Dr. Kristin Neff remind us that self-compassion is key when trying to change behavior. Shaming yourself into action rarely works. But understanding yourself? That’s the stuff sustainable change is made of.
Small Shifts, Not Giant Leaps
You don’t have to blow up your life to get unstuck. Start with one small change:
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Set one boundary.
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Try one new routine.
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Say one true thing out loud.
Over time, the act of choosing—even in small ways—creates momentum. It reminds your brain that change doesn’t always mean danger. Sometimes, it means freedom.
The Bottom Line
If you’re feeling stuck right now, ask yourself gently—not judgmentally—“How is this serving me?”
The answer might surprise you.
And it might also show you the way out.