I love my partner, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated and don’t know how to talk to her about it without it turning into a fight. She’s very frugal and I worry she’ll see it as me trying to take advantage of her.
For context, I make about $125K and have saved $500K over my 18-year career. I’m 45 and just want to reach $1 million so I can retire and live a peaceful life—garden, cook, enjoy my dogs, and play music. She’s a doctor, four years into her career, already saved $1.5 million, and made nearly $700K last year.
She covers the $2,500 mortgage, and I pay for nearly everything else—typically $2,500–$3,500/month—plus I handle all the cooking, shopping, and home maintenance. I work from home and she works long hours, so I get that some of that falls on me. Still, the imbalance adds up.
When I brought up retiring early, she rolled her eyes and joked that I’d better get her a great post-nup. That stung. When we were dating, I made twice her salary and never made money a big deal.
We do have a good life together, and I’m genuinely happy for her success—it’s just hard not to feel unappreciated and kind of overlooked. I know I need to bring this up, but I don’t know how to do it without it blowing up.
You’re married, but you’re not acting like a team—and that’s the root of the problem.
You’re not crazy for feeling bitter or hurt. You’re carrying a ton—emotionally, financially, and physically—and at the same time, you’re being treated like you’re somehow trying to freeload just because you want a fair conversation about money? No. That’s not okay.
Marriage isn’t about scorekeeping. It’s about becoming one unit. And that includes money. I don’t care who makes what—whether it’s $125K or $700K—when you said “I do,” that meant what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. Not “I’ll cover the mortgage and you cover everything else and let’s pretend this is equal.” That’s a roommate agreement. Not a marriage.
You’re doing the grocery runs, cooking, house projects, vet trips, tax stuff, and everything in between. That’s real labor. And it’s keeping your household running. If she can’t or won’t see that, something’s broken in the way you’re both talking about money, effort, and what it means to be partners.
And look, I get it—she works long hours, she’s doing incredible work, and she’s been successful. That’s awesome. Be proud of her. But don’t let her success make you shrink. You’re allowed to dream about rest. You’re allowed to want to retire someday. Wanting peace and space to do the things you love doesn’t make you weak. It means you’re human.
That “you better get me the best post-nup I’ve ever seen” comment? That was a dagger. It wasn’t funny. It was disrespectful, and it told you everything you need to know about how she’s currently seeing the marriage—not as a shared life, but as something transactional. That’s a serious red flag, and you need to talk about it.
Here’s the hard truth: if you don’t start talking openly about your shared money and your shared goals, this resentment will rot the foundation of your marriage. It already sounds like it’s started. You’ve got to stop pretending this is about who pays for what. It’s about trust, dignity, and building a future together—not separately under the same roof.
You need to sit down with her and say:
“We’re married. That means we’re a team. We need to be making money decisions together, saving together, planning for the future together. Right now it feels like we’re living two separate financial lives, and it’s starting to hurt. I don’t want to drift further apart. I want us to be in this—all of this—together.”
If she’s not ready to have that conversation, or if she mocks you again for even trying, then it’s time to have an even deeper conversation about what kind of marriage you actually have.
But start there. Speak with love, but don’t be afraid to be direct. You’re not being needy. You’re asking for partnership. And you deserve it.